u/Turya_Tara

As I sit down to pen my thoughts today, thinking about the last three years, nothing about this journey feels ordinary.
Funnily though, if I were to describe it, I think it would induce nothing but smirks and yawns… because to the casual observer, nothing has changed.
Yet to me, nothing feels familiar.
As a person struggling with debilitating depression, ADHD and a string of disappointments and failures, Sadhana felt like yet another thing I was going to start and go nowhere with. What was there to lose anyway, right? I thought to myself.
Before I go further, let me clarify — I am still writing from this side. The side of self-doubt, anxiety, depressive spells and disruptive ADHD traits.
So if you are looking to read about another trumpeting victory, this is probably the time for you to stop reading and go about your day.
But if you would like a peek inside what it feels like to have a consistent, imperfect practice that challenges you to your core and reminds you that it doesn’t get easier — stay on.
Baba has made me face my demons like no one has or could.
It takes the divine to throw curveballs at you that never seem to stop, as if you paid for a lifetime membership at the bowling alley!
And no, he is not doing it for you.
He sits right there with his calm, impassive face and kind eyes, asking you to make your move… or not.
You own it.
Good or bad. It’s all you.
But the difference between then and now is that I know he is there.
Those eyes hold you accountable. They tear up your silly excuses and your lame whines into shreds.
You had a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year?
So what?
Maybe you lost a loved one. Someone you trusted betrayed you. Your job ended. Your health deteriorated. Life threw something at you that you never saw coming.
The only question is — what are you going to do about it?
Life, nature, fate — whatever you call it — is going to keep throwing punches. They keep coming.
Baba knows the race isn’t fair. You probably started way behind and may never catch up with the others.
But that’s not what he’s looking at.
He’s looking at you. Only you. Waiting to see what you are going to do about it.
And that is where I am today.
Not winning. Far from it.
I still struggle. I still have bad days. I still have nights when it all feels like too much.
I still make excuses. I deal with the shame, the guilt and everything in between.
But somewhere, those eyes are watching me.
This wretched little basket case. This runt.
And somehow, I know what he is waiting for.
Will I get up or not?
Will I show up for myself?
My mentor once said, if you take time out of the equation and keep doing your thing, there is no doubt that in the end — YOU WILL WIN.
I remind myself of his words when things get hard.
And deep in my heart, I know that what he says is true.
Maybe that is what these three years have really been about.
Learning to keep going. No matter what.
To keep doing my Sadhana, even on the days when I don’t feel like I have much left to give.
And perhaps that is why, although to the casual observer nothing has changed, to me nothing feels familiar anymore.

To the sacred feet of my master. 🙏

Shri Gurubhyo Namah
Jai Bhairav Baba