How do you deal with resentment and guilt while caring for a sick parent?
My mom (63) has stage 4 endometrial cancer and honestly I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore. Her condition has gotten to the point where she needs constant support for basic things now. She can barely get up on her own and needs help going to the restroom, moving around the house, and even with meals sometimes. Most days she’s extremely weak from chemo and fatigue, so someone always has to be nearby to assist her.
I’m the only child (28F) I’ve already been the breadwinner for more than 3 years even before my mom got diagnosed last March, and now things have become even harder. I work two jobs and pretty much pay for everything at home.
Despite everything, I really do love my mom. When we found out she had cancer, I became obsessed with researching everything. I spent days reading forums, asking doctors questions, looking into treatment options, and trying to figure out the best path for her because I was terrified of losing her. I wanted to move as fast as possible with her surgery and treatment.
But there’s also so much history behind all this.
For around 10 years before getting sick, my mom had a really bad gambling addiction. My dad worked as a chef in a cruise ship most of his life and spent years away from home sacrificing for us while my mom spent years going to casinos almost daily. Many times she would stay there overnight. We argued about it so many times, not only because of the financial distress but also because of how lack of sleep may impact her health. However, she always said the casino was where she felt happiest and most alive.
A huge amount of our savings disappeared because of it. I even had to stop my flight training and pursue a different career because of the financial damage from the gambling. Honestly, I feel terrible for my dad sometimes because after 26 years of sacrificing at sea, this is what his retirement turned into.
The real reason my dad had to retire in the first place was because of his bad hypertension. About a year before my mom even got diagnosed, he already wanted to go back to working because he felt guilty and sorry that I have to shoulder everything. I stopped him because I was genuinely scared for his health. I told him I would handle things at home no matter how hard it got.
Now with my mom’s cancer, the financial pressure has become even heavier. I’m from a third world country, so medical assistance here barely covers anything.
My mom is very weak from chemo now and can barely walk properly. She’s asked twice already to go back to the casino and both times my dad brought her there (I think he associates saying no to her as hurting her since he could never ask her to stop gambling in the past too)
I think part of what hurt me and triggered me was seeing that even after everything that happened, even after the diagnosis, the surgeries, chemo, the financial stress, and the suffering the family went through because of gambling, the casino still somehow has a hold on her.
The lack of sleep and constant tension at home is honestly destroying me lately, but it’s not only the sleep deprivation. My mom complains constantly about everything. It feels like there’s never any appreciation or positivity from her toward us anymore. My dad and I actually realized she slowly stopped being grateful or even kind to him after he retired. It’s like once he stopped working and being away at sea, the dynamic at home completely changed.
If my mom can’t sleep, she doesn’t want my dad sleeping either. I’ve told her multiple times that this setup isn’t sustainable because it’s literally just the three of us. My dad and I need to rotate and take turns resting because I’m working two jobs while helping take care of everything at home, and my dad isn’t getting any younger either. He already has hypertension and back problems, so seeing him constantly sleep deprived and physically exhausted worries me a lot.
She curses at us sometimes, gets angry easily, and the atmosphere at home feels heavy almost all the time now.
And honestly this is the part that makes me feel guilty:
I’m starting to feel resentment toward her.
Not only because of what’s happening now, but because my brain keeps replaying everything from the past too. The gambling, the stress, the opportunities lost, my dad sacrificing his whole life while she kept choosing the casino over and over again.
At the same time, I still feel scared of losing her. That’s what makes this so confusing emotionally. I love my mom, but I’m also exhausted and angry in ways I don’t even know how to explain properly.
It’s honestly taking a huge toll on me mentally. There are mornings where I wake up already crying before I even fully process what’s happening. I’ve also started having passive suicidal thoughts lately, not in the sense that I would actually do something, but more like feeling mentally and emotionally overwhelmed to the point where my brain just wants everything to stop for a while.
I think the stress, resentment, guilt, financial pressure, caregiving, lack of sleep, and fear all piled together and now it’s hitting me all at once.
The truth is I can’t really talk about these feelings openly in real life because I already feel guilty for even having them. That’s honestly one of the reasons I’m turning to anonymous strangers on Reddit. I just needed somewhere to let this out without feeling judged immediately.
I don’t know if anyone here has gone through something similar, but how do you deal with loving someone while also carrying years of resentment and burnout at the same time?