u/TypicalRazzmatazz342

Here is the link to the original post to get more background:

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/VHDpEHB9rw

UPDATE #1: we just had our third session with the MC. The first two sessions kinda got everything on the table and also talked about some control issues that she has. At the end of the 2nd session the MC said that we probably need to go back to the beginning and start from there with the stories.

So at the next appointment some things were discussed for a bit and then the MC asks my wife to provide her general overall timeline of what happened. My wife says “I’m not sure about that. I don’t have exact dates and it’s all kind of jumbled.” The MC said that’s fine it’s just a place to start it doesn’t have to be perfect maybe just a beginning, middle, end. My wife says “I can’t do that. It won’t help.” The MC said it’s okay if it’s not perfect. But she wouldn’t do it.

So then the MC says “homework for next week is for each of you to write your general timeline story of this time, sound good?” I said yep! My wife said, “I don’t see how this will help, I’m not going to do that.” So I’m writing mine.

It’s becoming more and more clear the amount of control she is placing over this. The truth must be MUCH worse than the one time she confessed to 30 years ago. Otherwise why would she go to such lengths to protect something she already confessed. I’m hopeful that clarity will come one way or the other. Right now I’m doing all the work and the MC has to see that! Her rope is getting shorter and shorter and my patience is gone.

About 32 years ago my (58M) wife (56F) just got a new job and about a few months later all kids of secretive crap started happening. She was going out with new girlfriends, acting suspicious, etc. no phones back then so it was harder to prove. But I questioned her. There are lots of details about that time but I’ll keep them out of this for now.

One night out of the blue she confessed - told me where, when, who and supposedly how much. This is the type of conversation you don’t forget 3 years into your marriage.

We were young, had just signed a contract to buy a house, etc. I forgave her and she was truly remorseful. However secretive crap continued and I kept asking. Dude was still around her at work. At one point he moved cities (supposedly company moved him because of the harassment) and her mom was the realtor and he fixed a mechanical problem at their house - what?? He’s harassing you but you let him around your parents??. Everytime I asked it would be me that was the problem - jealous, to suspicious, etc. we actually had fights because I would say he’s and asshole and she would defend him and make me the problem.

Over the years I have brought up that time many times. It always ended by her screaming and yelling about why I can’t stop asking and she wouldn’t share anything.

Other than not ever speaking with me again about this time, she has never given me any reason to not trust her. We raised kids and have had a good family and marriage.

But 2 months ago I said we can’t go on until I get these questions answered. After a lot of yelling at me over 3 days she finally says that he sexually harassed her with some examples. BUT she also said that she never confessed to the affair. She said that I misremembered or confused a memory. She claims she told me he pushed her against a car and tried to kiss her very roughly and her friends intervened to stop the assault (she did tell me this back then but after the affair confession).

She claims I created the memory I have from that conversation. That all her secrets all these years made me feel that way and I made up the memory. I’m sorry but a dude doesn’t forget his wife telling him that type of confession.

She said she never told me about the harassment because she was so traumatized by it. She kept it all secret to protect me. She was afraid of how I would react and go fight him or something - that’s not me. Or I would confront him and he would lie about their relationship to me.

That even now I am re-traumatizing her since I keep bringing this is up. She has apologized for how the secrets all made me feel but I’m forced to accept she never told me she had sex with this guy.

Would I create a memory like that? Could she have convinced herself it never happened to protect her own identity?

I thought we were making progress but now I’m told to just forgive and forget and move on. Now sure how to do that.