u/Unique-Leopard-8630

It seems like I am hurt by everything socially, looking for slights, disrespect, any sign of disapproval. I also get a lot of negative feedback, I think I am healing, and the public senses that I am almost out of the woods and they want to kick me back down. Sounds paranoid, but that's because I'm paranoid. Please... Help me... 🙃

IFS blended with exiles? Am I just walking around feeling the unresolved pain from my childhood, again and again and again? I have grieved and grieved and it seems like, ya know. That endless pit.

Do I need to do active imagination? Would it be dangerous to engage with these parts while deep in the trenches of their old pain?

I try to allow, but it is just like... So so much pain, like I'm on fire, and there is more fire... And the. More and more fire. 😅

Okay, I am super stuck and need some help. I'll just list off what I am going through. I tend to ramble, maybe I will make a short list for TLDR...

Context: With help of family (ahem... Who I never want to see or talk to again) I just moved to a city semi recently and my system got completely shut down. I have always been terrified of the world and getting out there (is this a negative mother complex? I am male, super scared of everything). In deep grief but also super scared I won't be able to get it together enough to re enter society. I have been in grieve and healing for almost decade/whole life in a way..., almost fully out of denial for about 3 years. Spiritual psychosis, mania, shadow work exposed my grandiosity and false identity i tried to projected on to the world of being "an artist". Just so fucking brutal... Getting outed by assholes in the city. I have really cut down on my pretense and have been trying to shed all the false defensive mechanisms i put on to feel safe, but I went way to fast and without the proper compassion and self love, inner younger parts are fucking pissed!

Sabotaging myself, I think exiled parts of me want me to go homeless and want the world to see my pain. Has anyone dealt with parts that want to act out the pain and want to hurt the world with their suffering? I think this might be an adventurous part but it doesn't know how to navigate the world. Another part of me is about 15 and cries to me "I don't know what to do!". I didn't have a real father he was NPD and didn't teach me anything, neither parent did. So I feel extreme shame when I have to try to act like I am adult, and a ahem .. man. Society is such trash and I am getting so many people projecting onto me because they probably had shitty pathetic father's or heard about them. I didn't have kids and I have been healing and facing my trauma and my father never did, these people are gross and can go fuck themselves... (But parts of me do not know that a lot of people are trash and much of the world is as simple, insecure and shitty as our parents were.) It's like I am walking around with new layers of woundedness and grief and I just don't know and am lacking the will to keep trying to heal this pain.

Any time I leave my apartment my upper back seizes up and I get this intense urge to cry, but I can't get myself to cry in public (learned a lesson about keeping this shit private recently, don't want this simple culture to know I am human). I have had this symptom before, I wonder if I am not self aware enough to know that I need to talk to someone or share my grief? I wonder if heart broken younger parts of me want to cry out for the world to help me? I don't think my system of parts trusts other parts at all and I don't blame them. I have done so much to sabotage my recovery (I'm a codependent, my mother put me in a victim lost child role and tried to get me to become an invalid I think, so that I would stick around and be a loser forever, like in the introduction to Pete Walkers cptsd book.)

Summary:

I am going to suggest that we think outside the box here for the problems listed, because parts of me are going to sabotage the shit out of practical advice (go get somatic therapy, go volunteer somewhere, do yoga...). Maybe I need to really sit down with the "I don't know what to do!" Part that is a 15 year old orphan boy in a NPD family.

I "can't" get myself out of isolation.

Shadow work completely fucked me up.

Woke bullying in my city (not totally anti woke, I fancy myself a bit woke myself, but some of these people are just so fucked up... If they shadow work me any more I'm going to wind up in the fucking hospital again...)

Intense fear of homelessness.

I am sabotaging my chance at Independence and becoming an adult.

Catastrophizing. Despair...

I am emotionally overwhelmed and it is stuck in my back. I don't trust that if I put myself out, go to an interview, there I won't start crying my eyes out around strangers constantly.

I am and have been super fucking avoidant, not looking for work, it's a miracle when I get myself into therapy or call the doctor.

Parts of me are very rebellious and critical and cynical of the culture. The split is that other parts are super nice and think they can trust just about anyone and blab about the trauma to strangers.

Attracting terrible vibes bullying and projections from people, I ruminate about the slights.

"Entitled white pretty boy man child..." FUCK YOU. I feel like burning down the village.