u/United-Bear-639

Is it sexual assault if a child under the age of 6 asks / suggests something sexual or remotely sexual and the adult goes along with it? And it was not penetration (from what I can remember) ?

I want to know if I was assaulted but I can't figure it out no matter how much I want to. No matter how much I research and look for answers. Or maybe I just can't accept it. It hurts that that even happened. And if it is an assault, my own family was involved. That hurts me in its own way. Also, if it is that, is there a name for it?

My post from yesterday "I am distressed and confused" has brought up one more memory (??)

I remember that as a child, I was always very upset, angry, or even sad at the thought of my parents being intimate. Is that normal?

Also, there was two or more instances when they were touchy with each other while we were in the same room. I remember that one time they were doing more when we were on the same bed. I was not facing them and I do not believe that it was because I was there specifically, if you know what I mean. They were trying to be secretive about it. But I knew what was happening and I was disturbed. I felt sick that whole day and I am still upset about that. Is that also considered an abuse?

And I have one more question for now and that is: Is there a way to "unlock" more memories? One person told me that memories will come in their own time, and I find that statement to be helpful and true. But I am curious if there is a way to quicken that process?

I'm somewhere in the fever-dream middle, where I am questioning if I was abused, if I can even call what I fear happened abuse, and convincing myself that I am doing all of this for attention. I feel sick from not knowing anything for sure.

I'm sorry if I did not explain things well. And I truly appreciate every upvote and comment. Not because they are numbers on a post, but because I feel less alone. Thank You

I F 21 don't know what to make of this and this distressing, anxious feeling that makes me sick almost comes and goes from time to time. I have always pushed it aside, but last few days its more persistent than ever. And I need clarity.

For context, I am physically disabled.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, a few very blurry scenes have haunted me since I was around 15. Up until that age, I have not thought about it. In these scenes, >!I am below the age of 6 and grinding on an adult to whom I'm closely related to. I do it often and sometimes there is another adult in the room while that is happening. The part that confuses me and makes me feel most disgust, is that I asked for that because it "tickled" me. !<I cannot tell if this is real and if it actually happened, or if its a weird fragment of my imagination that my brain decided to come up with for some reason. The part that is even more blurry and seems even more unreal,>! is when that adult asks me, at some point, if I want to do it.!<

As much as I want to believe that that never happened, a few things seem to suggest otherwise. For example, one person brought that up in response to me asking (or discussing) something about discharge. And one time I was brave and bold enough to ask about that, I brought it up in a "haha, remember when that was happening?" way, and if I recall correctly they got very uncomfortable and kind of just ignored me.

>!Also I was extremely hypersexual for years, and even now but in a less severe way. I was touching myself at pretty much every chance I had. I did it in front of certain people too. And I would get, and still do get, aroused very easily. And if sometimes I was not able to touch myself I would get agitated. It never occurred to me that it was something so inappropriate until I found pornograpy. I knew that it was inappropriate, but not so much. I was under the impression that only I was doing something like that. On top of that, I acted very inappropriately with other people. Especially older people. I would ask and say inappropriate things, joke about sexual topics, want to play out what I saw on the TV, play inappropriately with dolls. In my teen years, I would seek out older men on the internet to sext with. !<I don't know when or how or why all of that stopped. Even after that, I found that certain comments or even actions that that adult did we're not appropriate and some things did make me uncomfortable. If those scenes are real, then that would mean that everyone in my immediate family knew about that. And I am not sure if they did anything about it.

Now, I am ashamed and I regret everything. I wish that I, for the lack of better words, stayed pure. I do not think that anyone who has been a survivor is "dirty" or anything like that. Far be it from me. Its just that being hypersexual ruined my life.

My reasoning, I guess I can say, for people letting this happen is that they wanted to let me experience things because they thought that otherwise I never will because of my disability. And it pains me that I am so confused about this. That I can't tell if that actually happened. And if it did happen, is it an assault if I initiated it at times? I would say yes, that that is an assault, if I saw anyone else described this. But I am clueless when it comes to me. I can't tell this to anyone and I need some clarity. Was anyone in a situation like this or a similar one? Of course, no one needs to answer that question if they are in any way uncomfortable. I just don't know what to make of this. I'm sorry.

And thank You for reading this at least.