people only want me for function, never connection
I am lonely, isolated and alone, I have spent all my nearly 32 years always being made and outsider in groups, so I have no friends and people only want me if I am useful.
All I have is work and home, at home I am only ever wanted if they want me to do something and colleagues despite having similar interests don't want to do anything with me but will invite others to things
my group experiences growing up means now it's extremely difficult to even think about joining a group also growing up my siblings were all encouraged to do things while I was left to figure things out by myself I was told I would be taken to museums but only ever went with school and when one homework project was to photograph anything I decided to go to a museum but no one would go with me and I had to go alone
most of my interests now I realised link with performing arts in ways and when thinking about what I was actually interested in as a child it would have been a good path me but anytime I put myself out there like one time on holiday deciding to actually go on the dance floor my family just laughed at me while others were told they were good even now with book self published on Amazon I don't get any encouragement no telling others about my books etc so again left alone.
When my mum was talking to the social worker about having my niece and he asked how would she support hobbies and interests my mum listed what she did for the interests of my siblings but nothing said about me because there is nothing to say, all I ended up being was baby sitter to my sister while others were being supported
even after opening up to colleagues about how I am feeling and lowering the mask people don't ask me genuinely how I am just still the standard British you alright and even though my script has changed in response to the British you alright as I used to say getting there but now i say someone's gotta be it never gets questioned despite someone's gotta be being a deflection of the question because it's true someone somewhere is alright but it doesn't mean me.
At home and on days off I am always in summon mode at any point asked to do something or get called in to work.
Being autistic also means it's harder to actually say things to people so Open up to colleagues and they end up saying I wish I could help but I can't or I want to help but can't and I'm there thinking but we have the same interests and a shared day off and you have said that on that day of the week you are often at home and bored so there is something you can do
I have even asked if I am a good person to which the reply was yes which just leaves me with I am a good person then why am I still alone