AIITW for being upset that my mom told our family about my pregnancy before I could?
I (20F) am currently 12 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I are absolutely over the moon, especially because getting to this point has been incredibly difficult.
I have had 7 natural miscarriages, all very early in pregnancy. After my last miscarriage, I was told by doctors that I might never be able to have children. I also had a cyst rupture on one of my ovaries, which unfortunately left that ovary nonviable. I was told that I had a limited amount of time to have children, but I couldn’t afford to freeze my eggs.
Because of all of this, my husband and I decided we would try for a baby sooner rather than later. I also had a hormonal IUD placed because I had been told I wasn’t likely to have children anyway.
Well… somehow, I got pregnant with the IUD still in place.
It was honestly hard to believe.
Because of my history of miscarriages, I was terrified to tell anyone. I didn’t even tell my parents right away because I was afraid I’d announce the pregnancy and then lose the baby again. I wanted to wait until doctors could tell me that everything looked healthy and that the pregnancy was actually progressing normally.
I joined a few pregnancy/motherhood groups because I had no idea what a normal pregnancy was supposed to feel like.
My mom apparently belonged to one of these groups.
She found out I was pregnant through the group and, because she was angry that I hadn’t personally told her, she went around telling other members of our family that I was pregnant.
I didn’t know she had done this.
Today, I finally got the news we’d been waiting for: the pregnancy is progressing well, the baby is healthy, and everything looks good. My husband and I were so incredibly happy. After being told for years that I might never have children, this was one of the happiest moments of our lives.
So today, I finally told my mom that I was pregnant.
Her response was essentially, “I already knew.”
She then told me that she had already told family members because she was upset that I hadn’t told her first.
I was devastated.
I told her that I was hurt because she took away the opportunity for me and my husband to tell our own family that we were expecting our first baby. There are also certain family members that I specifically don’t have a relationship with and did not want knowing yet.
Her response was that she had a right to talk to her support system and that these people “don’t spread her business or anyone else’s.”
But that’s not really the point.
I feel like my pregnancy was my news to share.
If she had been worried or hurt that I hadn’t told her, she could have contacted me directly and asked me what was going on. I’m autistic, and she knows that direct communication works best for me. I absolutely hate being put in the middle of family members telling me things that should have been communicated directly.
I also feel like this is part of a much bigger problem between us.
My mom and I have never had a particularly healthy relationship. Growing up, she allowed my dad to physically hurt me, and she has also physically and emotionally abused me herself. She has been very unstable throughout my life.
When I had my first miscarriage, she literally told me:
“Great, you killed my first grandbaby.”
And:
“You can’t even keep a baby alive.”
So I don’t think it’s unreasonable that she wasn’t the first person I wanted to tell.
The first person I told was my husband, followed by my best friend.
I’m also planning a very small and intimate gender reveal with the people who are actually part of my support system. I told my mom about it, but explained that she wouldn’t be invited because I don’t consider her part of my close support system.
She became angry about this too.
She told me that I need to tell her the baby’s gender before my best friend because she’s my mother and it’s the mother’s job to be the “gender keeper.”
I don’t understand where that expectation is coming from. My husband and I want to share this information when we’re comfortable doing so.
She is also already telling me that after I give birth, I need to stay at her house because she doesn’t want my husband taking care of me because she thinks he’s incompetent.
I don’t want that.
I want my husband, my mother-in-law, and my best friend around me because those are the people who make me feel safe and comfortable. I don’t want my mother in the room when I give birth, and honestly, I don’t even want her in the same building.
I’ve also become worried about whether she could try to pursue grandparents’ rights or something similar, although I don’t know if that’s even something I should realistically be concerned about.
I have apologized to her for not telling her about the pregnancy sooner. I’ve apologized for hurting her feelings. But she hasn’t given me what I would consider a genuine apology for telling our family about my pregnancy without my permission. Every apology comes with an explanation about why she supposedly wasn’t wrong.
I even told her:
“Mom, if I found out you were pregnant from someone other than you and then went around telling our entire family before you had the opportunity to tell them yourself, you would be much more upset than I am right now.”
She disagrees.
I feel like she has never really respected my boundaries, and this pregnancy has made everything significantly more stressful.
So, AIITW for being angry with my mom for telling people about my pregnancy before I was ready, refusing to give her special access to my baby’s gender, and not wanting her involved in my birth or postpartum care?
I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting or if these are reasonable boundaries to have.