BPD family member low contact discussion
Edit: I reposted this from a while ago, I'm still emotionally fragile but I took some distance. I'm focusing more on the pattern of enmeshment and codependency in my life. There is still tension between me and my sister and we're trying to navigate it the best we can. The DEARMAN method is something I'm applying but its a learning curve. I love her, but with my resentment I've seen her in person less and talked on the phone a bit less as well. Low contact I think is a great way to exercise boundaries if you have the emotional bandwidth. Reposted this because I assume there are others in similar situations and hoped someone can feel less alone by venting and talking about tactics and techniques to either navigate these relationships or recover for yourself from said relationships
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OG Title: Therapy with sister feels like I'm being ganged up on
I'm dealing with leaving a marriage of 10 years to a man who groomed me, and moving back to my home country. I'm running low on savings, still applying to a job and living in a small room. I'm oscillating between crying and numbness and being extremely irritable. I'm in individual therapy for my issues (self-esteem, grooming, lack of boundaries). My sister is also in individual therapy.
It's just me and her in family therapy - it was supposed to help us with our communication issues, but its become more of a pile on.
I'm realizing more and more that I stayed with my groomer husband because he never yelled at me. Despite the unhealthy and fucked up way we met - he was my healthiest relationship romantic, familial, or friendship wise for a decade. My sister is no contact with the rest of our family, and I am low contact.
My sister is dating a lot, I'm happy for her, but its all she wants to talk about with me. I keep telling her I can't emotionally deal with hearing about it more than 30 minutes. After that I just shutdown.
Even when it comes to our communication issues, the only time she will admit fault is if 1-2 of her partners have also complained about the way she speaks.
When I try to tell her how her actions make me feel "I'm villianizing her" when I try to explain my thought process behind my actions "I'm justifying my poor behavior". This doesn't feel like resolving our communication it just feels like a brow beatdown. These family sessions are disregulating me more than my own situation right now.
She keeps saying I'm being a baby.
Has anyone successfully dealt with bpd sibling in therapy? This feels terrible I can't keep doing this.
2 of 3 Comments on original post - one person couldn't be reached out to:
I’m going to be honest and say I would NEVER recommend family therapy with a pwBPD. Particularly with a therapist not involved in treating their BPD.
You don’t have a communication issue with your sister, you communicated your needs and boundaries just fine. The issue is you didn’t tell her what she wants to hear, and is now using therapy to bully you into the one sided relationship she wants.
Ask yourself if this is a healthy familial relationship, is she truly capable of a reciprocal relationship and providing emotional support during a difficult time. I think you know what the answer is.
You need to lower the contact you have with your sister to level that you are capable of handling right now. If that’s no contact (even temporarily) that’s what you need to do. It’s ok to cancel the therapy sessions and tell your sister you need to focus on rebuilding and will be limiting phone and social media interactions.
I know how hard it is want a sibling relationship with a pwBPD but they are not capable of that deep a relationship when unmedicated. You have to adjust your expectations and accept that they are only capable of a very shallow relationship.
You are dealing with a lot. There is a lot of change going on with you. Pausing therapy with your sister is something you must do.
You must focus on you now. And that means saying no to a few things.