Mid divorce and broken and feeling like I can't go on
I'm gonna try and not go too long here...
I'm mid 30's. Married for 12 years. Have two little kids around early elementary age.
Bumps as there always are, but overall we had a great 9 years. rocky 10th, and bad 11th. 12th has been separated and divorcing. It's been hard.
Maybe slight exaggeration here, but all I ever wanted was a family to be with and to love.
I don't fully understand what happened - a lot played into it. Politics, religion, personality, some outside influences, whatever. Lot's happened and she now claims I am abusive despite every friend and every professional counselor I have or we have seen together believing that I am not abusive and rather we have such different personalities we're just not compatible.
Now my family is ripped apart, my wife is basically claiming full right over the kids without a court order or similar. I can fight it, but she spent the majority of our money over the last several months and I spent the rest getting a place after she made the home so hostile it wasn't safe to stay so I can't afford an attorney.
We had a old school relationship in that we both worked until we had kids then she dropped to stay at home mom and I kept working.
Now because I work she wants me to support her but I barely made more than enough for our family when we had a mortgage and I can't afford child support and a mortgage and an apartment.
I'm not suicidal but have been feeling very much like I can't keep doing this and I can't go on.
Basically the only thing in the world I care about is my wife and my kids, but she wants nothing to do with me and is making anything more than a couple visits occasionally with the kids hard - demanding details for what I will do with them or refusing to allow it, she has told the kids doctor I don't feed them despite feeding them meals that would make many single dads look bad.
Anyway, the only thing I care about is them, but it's so miserable I don't know that I can keep on being there for them and supporting them well. I feel I'm turning into a bitter old man and that's not helpful to them.
Do I walk away and hope she takes care of them?
I can't bring myself to really consider that but this relationship is so toxic I'm feeling like it's the only thing that makes sense.
Us being at each others throats is not going to help them do well. She's said she will only talk via a court communication app and insists I do but she continues to occasionally send me notes, yell at me in front of the kids, etc but legally there's nothing wrong with any of that so I can't stop it.
If it's so toxic, is it better for them to leave?
She's not caring for them well but I believe she has the best intentions and potentially if I left she would feel better since she views me as the source of all her issues so she may do well if I were gone.
I don't know what to do. It feels so backwards to even consider walking away from them but it seems to almost make the most sense.
I'm so stressed my hair is falling out and my gut is so upset I can't eat much.
I've got a therapist (I've had a few and none have been any better than this one) who basically says this really is hard and we can't make the hard go away so deal with it. Little nicer than that but that's what it feels like the takeaway is. And I get this really is hard but also what do you even do?
I've historically been incredibly resilient and persistent and maybe therapist has picked up on that and knows I'll figure it out and make it through, but right now I feel like I can't.
What do you even do? I need some kind of support for me. I don't even know what kind.
I will need financial support very soon or go broke if she's going to get child and spousal support which she likely will.
I want friends, but it seems nobody is interested in friends with a single dad of high needs kids. (oh yeah, severe ADHD and often very intensive therapeutic needs for one kids and other mirrors the behavior and all that to say they really are a handful sometimes.)
I have a few friends who will spend time with me but somehow don't really wanna hang out if the kids are around. How do you find others with kids who are willing to put up with intermittent high needs of kids? To round it off, I'm an introvert so making friends is so so so draining on a normal day making me feel like I really just can't make new friends.