Looking for advice
Last week I was in the bathroom at my boyfriends house and opened a medicine bag in the cabinet looking for Advil and saw a bottle of Valtrex with his name that had been recently refilled. He always uses condoms and when we started dating about a year and a half ago I asked him if there was a reason and if he had an STI or if he wanted to stop using them since we were in a committed relationship not sleeping around. He said no to STI but just that he’s very worried about pregnancy, which I have an IUD so am not concerned about. It raised a bit of a red flag because it seemed unusual to me but I accepted the answer and respected that as the truth. Well fast forward now I feel like he’s been intentionally concealing this from me (well I know he has). I’m upset because it feels like my agency was taken away. The guy I dated before him actually got diagnosed with HSV2 while we were together (not unfaithful, symptoms just showed up early into dating before we were official) and it wasn’t a deal breaker for me, and so I feel torn between understanding my current boyfriends anxiety of sharing this but also knowing that if he would have told me, I would have understood. One caveat though is that he doesn’t use protection when I perform oral on him, and I probably wouldn’t have agreed to do that had I known so I feel violated. I know supposedly risk is low but it’s not zero and I didn’t do this with my previous partner because it wasn’t just the boundary of what I felt comfortable with knowing his diagnosis. With my last partner the awareness allowed me to get tested periodically and make my own choices, and now I’m not sure what to do because I feel betrayed and don’t know if I’m overreacting. He also doesn’t perform oral back so it feels like he allowed me to accept the risk without knowing, and isn’t willing to even do the same with no risk to himself. I hope this post doesn’t sound judgmental to toward others with HSV, I just truly feel upset about the lack of disclosure. I don’t know how long he’s had it which makes a difference with risk, and don’t know how to talk about it with him. I also have noticed sometimes he avoids sex and it has made me feel rejected in the past and he’s said he’s just stressed or not in the mood or that I’m too focused on it, but now I feel like he was having an outbreak and just didn’t want to tell me.