Seeing kids who remind me of my younger self triggers me. Anyone else?
TLDR; I was an anxious, hyperaware kid who felt emotionally invisible, and now seeing children who remind me of my younger self triggers a deep emotional reaction I used to feel ashamed of.
I was really anxious as a kid and always hyperaware. Everyone was expressive. I was just there on the outside. I had a mask and adapted in ways that made me feel more unseen, as I didn’t know how to show my true self
Now when I see children sometimes, I feel 10 different emotions hit me at once. Especially to children who seem to be anxious and hyperaware, if they seem to be hiding it, I believe I can easily tell.
This is from one of my journal entries. It feels really exposing to be showing this stuff if anyone reads this but I suppose it can describe this feeling better:
There was this little boy, my friend introduced me to him, and I sensed something about the way he looked at everyone, the way he was talking to people, like he was hiding something, the way his eyes quickly moved around. I sensed a kind of desperation inside of him, and it felt really, really similar. I felt genuine care for this little boy. He wasn't just a little boy. He was a boy with a soul. He is a boy who has a little man inside of him, growing, waiting to come out. I really cared about him, even though I talked to him for like 10 minutes, and I still think about him. I really care about him, even though he's some random kid. I spoke to him a few times for a couple of days, and I miss him. I miss that boy. He seemed so like me. He really seemed like me. And I felt bad for him, because he seemed to be suffering when no one might have been noticing him. But that was from my perspective, maybe I'm completely wrong. End of journal entry.
I usually just run from this feeling. I used to feel big shame in this as I haven’t quite understood it, though now I do, and the intensity of these emotions are much lower now.
Although I feel like I could really help those who once felt like me, I believe it‘s my trauma speaking to me.
So anyway I have been searching everywhere if people felt this same way and I could not find any post similar to this so here I am writing this and here you are reading this. Feel free to share your story if you relate.