u/Upstairs-Habit6124

Lol, love to see this.

I’m with a woman who is honestly about as perfect a partner as a guy with AGP could ask for. When I finally sat her down and explained the whole thing, she got it. And she’s been genuinely supportive since: she’ll help me pick out outfits, she doesn’t bat an eye at the crossdressing, and she doesn’t care about my hrt addiction and the fact that my body looks and feels different because of my 5 years on it.

Here’s the snag: I just don’t feel any spark toward her. I have to psych myself up for the small stuff, a goodnight kiss feels like heavyweight and anything past that I basically have to talk myself into. Then I feel awful about it, because she’s done nothing wrong. She deserves someone who’s actually thrilled to be with her. My best friend always tells me how there are a lot of men who like her and I feel so guilty…

The part that really makes me wonder wtf is going on inside my head is that every time I do anything with her I just think about being with a guy, someone who can take the lead, make me feel submissive, feminine… that’s what actually makes it for me and it’s really far away from what’s actually happening. I know that meta attraction is a thing but I always thought I would be thrilled to be in a romantic relationship with a girl but I feel nothing but heaviness when having to act like I’m in love.

I really think I will have to end it very soon, probably today even, but it makes me feel really confused about my future. I also know I’m a total asshole and that I don’t really deserve her.

So… yeah. Am I gay? Is this an AGP thing, an orientation thing, some combination of both? Has anyone here worked through something similar? Would really appreciate hearing from people who’ stood in this exact spot.

I’m a Mexican lawyer working in Mexican Big Law. I struggled badly financially during my teens and college, all while secretly self-medicating with contraceptives to feminize myself and hiding from my transphobic family. After years of doing this, I actually started passing, but I eventually had to detransition just to get a job as an intern at the firm I currently work at. Things started getting better last year. I stabilized my finances, but it meant deeply repressing my desire to transition (though honestly, I never actually stopped HRT).

I recently graduated and got my first real paycheck... omg. I had never seen this amount of money in my account. The shift in my daily life has been crazy. I went from calculating every single penny at the register to tossing expensive skincare and fresh food into my grocery cart. I even bought salmon without looking at the price tag. And right there, it hit me: I have no more reasons to hide. With just a year's worth of savings, I can afford all the surgeries I want: ffs, srs, rib remodeling. I can become the closest to a woman I’ve every dreamed of. I can’t be fired anymore for being trans, I’m no longer an intern, if they fire me I sue and win.

I completely stopped holding back. I went straight to Victoria’s Secret, ended up buying all the lace sets and cute stuff I’ve been dreaming of since I was a teenager. I finally made an appointment with a real endocrinologist instead of DIYing my hormones. I even got Ozempic to lose the extra weight I gained from the stress and the cheap junk food I survived on all these years.

I feel so powerful right now (and my post is probably cringe af), but I’m also really fearful. I feel like I have no ties left holding me back, no more excuses. Honestly, this whole situation feels like some kind of revenge for having to repress myself for so many years. I can feel my rational male self slowly losing the battle, stepping aside so I can speed-run the successful transition that was denied to me for so long. I hope I don’t fuck it up for once in my life and do whatever is the right choice.

I don’t even know if this is merely AGP anymore. It feels like walking on a dream. I imagine myself in 4 years as a 27 year old woman and my chest fills with butterflies. I see the women’s section and see myself there, getting my clothes as a normal woman. I imagine having a beautiful face, a beautiful body, and I feel like crying because I feel like it’s so close. I’m spiraling out of control and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get another saving moment where I realize I’m being delusional and that I can’t just change sex —don’t even know if I’m delusional anymore for sure.

I just can’t take it anymore. Made a dumb fucking mistake and it’s not even 6 am. I often think going to law school was a terrible decision:(

After a month of feeling good with being a guy I injected estrogen again. It’s a never ending cycle and I don’t know why I keep resisting once in a while. I know for a fact I want to be a woman more than anything else but I also want a normal life.

I genuinely think agp goes way further than sexual attraction and I’m pretty sure I experience real dysphoria.

I feel happy because I’ll start feminizing again and it’s always so exciting but I also keep disappointing myself.

Just venting.