u/Upstairs-Relief-4511

It happened in grade 6. Our school has 6 sections and people get put into new sections every single year. I got put in a section where I had no friends in. I was devastated but not all too sad. But then, January 6, 2022. I met her. From across the classroom. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. She wears a mask, but when I saw her for the first time, she had her mask down. Gosh, she was the prettiest girl ive ever laid eyes on. I told myself it wasn't real, the feelings. They weren't real. Why would I ever like a girl? I laughed it off. The feeling grew more and more intense. But I never though of her inappropriately. I loved with my heart, not my mind or eyes. That was the worst part. I was actually in love. It felt horrible. Im in an all girls school. I told myself I'd never get a crush and that they are a waste of time, and also because there were no boys here, obviously. Im in 9th grade now. Im still hopelessly inlove. She has no idea. We're finally friends, but I never showed signs of affection. I was always bad with emotions. I always chose logic over emotions. I cry every single night. Because of her. I hate her for making me like this. But this is also the first time I actually felt something. Im a Muslim, devoted to my religion, wanted to attain a peaceful live in the afterlife. I pray to God for some relief. To take these emotions away. I was never homophobic. I just didn't want to feel this way. Im not accepted in my country. My friends always try to comfort me when a bring it up and tell me I should maybe see a therapist. It never helps. I was wondering if there are some people who are in the same situation as me. A sin so unimaginable. A sin I never thought I'd commit. I've tried killing myself 3 times already over this. Failed all 3 times. I just wish to get hit by a speeding car. I sometimes walk into oncoming traffic, only to be pulled away by someone. She's very sweet, so kind, so smart. She's perfect. If only I were a man, loving her wouldn't be a sin.