AITAH for putting stipulations and a curfew for friends with kids? I'm sorry for the length in advance
My wife(27F) and myself (29M) have been discussing me wanting to have a get together/BBQ for my birthday coming up at the end of August. We have no children yet due to infertility on my end, we do want kids and are currently awaiting a screening process with a VERY near and dear friend of ours to be our donor. All of our friends know this little tidbit and thinks it's game on to leave their kids unattended to do whatever the hell they want. And if I need help? Dude gave me a whole nephew 14 years ago, he's been around the block with a kid before lol.
However; I don't need training with kids. I have a literal army of nieces and nephews ranging from newborn to 23. And they ALL know if they were to ever act the way some of our friend's children do my brother's would stop it dead in it's tracks. I DO need mfer's to watch their children because they are not mine and it's not my place to parent THEIR kids.
I have never hosted anything at our house, and quite frankly I'm a very private person. So this is a big step for me and I'll be very disheartened if my property and my boundaries are not respected. They all know the general idea of where I live but they don't know exactly where. I keep it like that from the friends that do have kids because our friends without kids a few of them have an open door policy. Let me stress; clearly we are not against kids, we just don't have them. But I am against poorly parented kids and poor parenting.
For context we live in a 745 sq/ft house; 2 bedroom and 1 bath. Both rooms will be kept off limits because well 1 is our bedroom and the other has a lot of expensive equipment and not child friendly stuff. My house is NOT child proof not very kid friendly. I also don't want to exclude them just because they have children. I know childcare can get expensive and for some god forsaken reason a few of our friends thought it was a good idea to have 5-6 kids. 2 of the friends with multiple are just shit parents to begin with. It's why I'm having a BBQ, outside.. in my DOUBLE lot so I want minimal time spent inside of my house other than grabbing a beer/drink or using the bathroom(which is right next to the kitchen hard to miss if the other 2 doors are shut?).
I told my wife and brother I was thinking about imposing "If you attend, please keep and eye on your children. They are not our responsibility and you will be responsible for damages. Please limit consumption of adult beverages so it does not hinder your ability to do so. Children must be gone by 8pm, no exceptions. Thank you". Even though my 14y/o nephew will be there, but he's my little homie so he IS the exception.
One friend of ours I know won't have an issue, she has 5 kids and her biggest issue is going to be her husband(me and him don't see eye to eye but unlike him I'm a big boy and can keep my mouth shut on disagreements). "Step mom" will be no problem, by the time the BBQ comes around she'll have a 3 month old and the other 4 I've been around their whole lives so they know my boundaries and they have been over here before(one of the twins got sniped by a ping pong ball one day when they tried to go into the cat room after the cat and I told them that's her safe space and that was that). It's the one with 6 unhinged little AHs that will be the problem.
Her oldest one is 15, a very awkward child, and literally CRIES and throws a tantrum when the twins(14M/M) don't want to play with her. C, who is 16F(step mom's oldest) WILL lay into her, that one's our favorite unhinged sibling. Her 2nd oldest is 10 now? She breaks EVERYTHING she touches and has no problem pushing the other kids around into shit. And I KNOW their mother can't afford to replace a $3k TV(which is why I want minimal inside tike for everyone). Her boy I doubt will come, I think baby daddy has custody of him honestly. But even then, I think he's the only one I don't meed to worry about but he is autistic so he would be the exception of staying in the living room if he pleased. The other 3 younger ones? Please... Don't get me started on those tasmanian devils, they're worse than the older 2. So you kind of see why I'm hesitant there?
I feel like an AH if I include the other ones with kids but not her. I could give less of a fuck about some "well I never get out of the house" guilt trip. But... The safety of my wallet and my cat staying INSIDE is literally depending on it I feel?
*edit*
the amount of people calling a "get together" of like 10 adults a party and like 7 kids I DO have a relationship with outside of the other 5 kids is insane.
so let me rephrase; there's me, my wife, my BIL, my other brother/his GF, step mom and kids I HAVE BEEN AROUND FOR ALL THEIR LIVES that have been here on numerous occasions, the one friend and 2 of her children and my mom. That's... 14 people? On an acre in a half-2 acres of property despite the size of the house. That's not that hard, this the reason stated "I HAVE THE YARD TO DO SO". Kids know they can do whatever we're doing most are teenagers. The twins are always doing what we're doing anyways?
My house is adequately childproofed to the needs of the children actively present in my life. Including step mom's. Other friend's children respect me and my boundaries I have set and they understand why those 2 rooms are kept off limits. The other friend's kids will challenge that.
Those 2 parties understand why I would do that because there's only 3 parties with kids in this scenario.
*edit 2*
My brother and BIL are staying after overnight fighting over the couch and air mattress for next day clean up. Neighbor also said as a birthday gift he's going to help with clean up as long as he gets a plate and a beer. This has already been cleared by wife and boss; thus the reason an outdoor BBQ. Of 14 people. 6 of which being kids who do respect the boundaries after careful consideration and feedback. If someone can't take the subtle hint after many engagements at step mom's for parties then there's no reason to be there.