I think my self-trust is wavering
TLDR:
Low contact is hard because my kids miss their grandparents, and the constant boundary pushing may be triggering a depression relapse.
Details:
Many months ago, I told N-mom to stop triangulating me and she didn't. Then she wanted to invite a dangerous family member to one of the most important days of my middle-aged life, and i told her only if she copied me on the communication, and they showed up (invited by her) and I hadn't been copied. I confronted her, she denied i had been clear and Enabler-Dad backed her up and called it "stupid" in front of my children. I informed her I'm no longer accessible by text or phone and only email, and that I'm not comfortable with her serving as a proxy between me and anyone else at any time for any reason. Since then, she's done that three times (first a missive about a colleague's career; second a copy/ paste of a family members EXPLICIT medical details; third "i bumped into this colleague of yours and they said to say hi"). After the first two violations I reiterated the boundary and just got criticized in response. After the third I informed to get in touch with me via postcard only moving forward, email privilege is revoked.
My youngest wants to see her. I had told him I'd arrange for a play date in a public place but then the third violation occurred. I dont have the energy to make it happen any time soon.
My self trust is starting to waver. The actual material consequence of these violations isn't so bad. It's the principle that's got me angry. But the reason I went structured-contact in the first place is I discerned the parents are getting worse with age and I honestly believe that in addition to the damage done emotionally by modeling ugliness in front of my kids, they are going to get someone killed and play the victim and it's my job to make sure that doesn't happen to me or my dependents on my watch.
Affirmation/ advice welcome i guess?