Mistakes And The Engagement Is Over At 34
Hi All,
I was looking for a forum to safely share this. My engagement ended 4 months ago. It's been awful.
I am 34 year old man and am now in a position where it looks like I'll be moving home to my parents for 1 year to save some money. I have a good job as a CSM, and I am trying to see this positively.
I made mistakes. No easy way to say it. But, I had a couple of behaviours that followed me into my relationship from a darker place in my life, through a domestic abuse relationship and before.
I had taken cocaine 6/7 times across 3 years with friends who had also followed me from an earlier life. Once at my partners place during a party at the very beginning and once, while she was away I took some on a night out with my friend and it entered our home.
I felt awful and I confessed. In detail. I felt ashamed.
I sought therapy. I took classes to make us closer, I paid for us to have therapy and I did everything I could to repair.
I also, had another behaviour I was ashamed of which followed from my past. I would take photos etc of women I found attractive in the street. It happened a few times across our relationship And I had stopped the behaviour. A therapist suggested I tell her too. Which I did, in terrible fashion when she came home from work.
I owned everything I could, and saw that I had caused so much pain. I did all I could to fix things.
On finding out the latter. The turmoil really began.
She called her parents, left to a hotel and then came back. She called names, vilified me saying things like I belong in the gutter or with my abusive ex. Sought advice from her friends, telling them what I'd done. I also had to write a letter apologising to her mum. She made me feel like a criminal, told me she loved me, would give me another chance, but after another argument a week later, she left.
Even after a couple of weeks and the arguments continued I was told she wakes up every day thanking God she's not with me. It hurts. Her Dad also said : 'thank God you didn't have his baby'
I continued therapy after she left. I had 6 sessions to continue diving into the behaviours understanding where they came from and ensuring they stay stopped. I also, have a lot of material to rebuild confidence.
I wondered what peoples opinions are? Is there hope to rebuild something new and meaningful after 34 given my situation?