I feel ashamed of myself
I am struggling to reconcile with a part of myself that I find deeply unsettling. I experience waves of intense envy toward those around me, yet I harbor no malice; I genuinely never wish to inflict harm. Take, for instance, my cousin, who spoke with unwavering conviction about his ambition to graduate at the top of his class. While I refrained from dampening his spirits, I found myself compulsively attempting to emulate his trajectory. I pushed myself to double the effort, despite the fact that my grades were already sufficient to secure my desired specialization. I was chasing a phantom goal—a competitive impulse devoid of any personal purpose. This pattern extends into other facets of my life. When a friend recently overhauled her personal style, I felt a sudden, inexplicable surge of jealousy, prompting me to replicate her aesthetic to ensure I remained "better." Even when she offered genuine praise, remarking on how wonderful I looked, I was left with a profound sense of emptiness. It is as though I am under some form of hypnotic trance; the moment I witness an achievement or a change in another person, I feel a compelling, almost autonomic drive to mirror it. It is not a thirst for attention—in fact, that is the furthest thing from my mind—but rather a distressing loss of agency. When I have sought insight into this, the responses I have received have felt dismissive, reducing my struggle to a mere "quest for achievement," which feels like hollow advice. The most recent incident has left me feeling particularly despondent. A colleague, who is a peripheral friend, announced her engagement. She was radiant, and she chose to share the news with me first, out of all her peers. I was genuinely moved, even to the point of tears, and I sincerely wished her a life of profound happiness. However, after asking her to spare me the details for the time being, I was blindsided by a visceral, painful ache in my heart. I know, rationally, that we each have our own path and that my time will come. Yet, I am plagued by this heavy, inexplicable sadness. It feels as if I am trapped in a meaningless, involuntary competition. I am terrified that if this continues, it might manifest in some reckless behavior, which I want to avoid at all costs. I am desperate to break free from this cycle. I am looking for any way forward—be it psychological, introspective, or otherwise—to silence this internal turmoil once and for all.