My story.
(TW: suicide.)
This is obviously a throwaway account, because i’ve never told anyone about a few of these stories before today, i am shaking as i’m writing this.
I’m 15 and a guy. I’ve been raped so much in my short life that it just doesn’t seem believable anymore.
The first time happened when i was 4, i didn’t even know about it until my mum brought it up to me a few years ago. This one wasn’t a big deal i think, but i was at a park and a girl came up to me, apparently was like 3-4 years older than me according to my mum, and asked if i wanted to play. I was little, i said yes obviously. So she brings me to this heavily forested area with those like bushes/ trees that are low to the ground and she told me to take off my trousers. I don’t remember any of this and apparently i told my mum straight away after it happened.
The next one was only a few years later and i really remember this but i have never told anyone about it, i was 6 and it stopped when i was 8. I grew up catholic, you already know where this is going, i attended 1 on 1 bible study with a worker at the church i attended (which was a school church btw) and he used to bring me ‘gifts’ like idfk toy cars or whatever and so i really liked him and trusted him. One day the gifts turned from toys to alcohol, wine to be exact. He got me drunk and i vaguely remember the actual rape the first time but i remember he told me to stay quiet and that we were playing a secret game and i believe he took me to the closet in the room for the first few times. As i got older, he no longer really got me drunk but i still did what he wanted me to anyway which makes me doubt myself often about whether im actually traumatised over it. But i remember one particular time, where it was randomly hurting and i told him it hurt and he didn’t stop and i started to bleed and he yelled at me.That one sticks with me the most. We moved away when i turned 8 and i never saw him again.
The last one, i was 11 and it was my own fucking cousin. He was 5 years older than me, so 16. He told me we were gonna play games on his laptop and i followed him up to his room and he sat at his desk and told me to sit on his lap, i remember not wanting to but he was my cool big cousin so i did so. A few minutes pass and i feel something underneath me and i am uncomfortable. I went to get off and he pulled me by my hair and dragged me to his bed.It all happened so fast and i was crying i don’t know how no one heard anything. My mum was downstairs in the kitchen. She was downstairs while i was getting raped.
I can’t go through it again. I don’t know why it keeps happening to me. Is it something i’ve done? Something i’m doing? I just want answers and i just don’t understand. I’m legit hyperventilating as i’m writing this. I have tried to kill myself multiple times over this, i almost succeeded one time by hanging myself from a metal bar in my wardrobe but the cable that i used came undone as i lost consciousness. I’m close to attempting again because i don’t see how i can live a normal life anymore. I’m scared of adults or older people. I’m terrified of sex. I feel like a horrible person when i touch myself. I just want to be a normal teenager. I’m so done. Thank you for reading.