Does it ever get better?
The physical violence has been 2 years. I don’t know how or if I could ever crawl out of this or get the courage to leave for good.
He’s been at his lowest for 2.5 years, quit his job, I’ve been the only one working or keeping our livelihoods afloat at all. He sabotages my work, I lost my last job because of him. Yet he beats me if I’m running even 1 minute behind schedule because we can’t afford for me to not work.
I’ve been beaten so badly I need to take time off work, and it always seems to get worse when I’ve got a good opportunity going for myself, or something important like my finals for school. My face being black and blue, unable to walk, bulging hematoma bruises on my body because he’s hit me so hard.
I’m 5 foot, 110 pounds. He’s 6’2” nearly 400 pounds. He barely has to flick me to knock me to the ground, yet he sometimes put his full force. If I flinch or my body reacts naturally by trying to cover itself (arms up or covering my torso) he’ll slap me and pin my arms back so he can punch my stomach again without me flinching. I’m afraid I have brain damage because my mind feels so much more slow compared to before we met.
There’s a lot of sexual abuse. He makes me pleasure him or watch him while he looks at AI deepfake photos of my mom and sisters because he knows it hurts me. He’s make me say disgusting things while he does this to encourage it or else I get beaten and dragged by my hair. He makes me take really gross nudes and post them online or makes me sleep with other men so he can record it. He’s made me sell my body on the corner. He’s stolen my money to sleep with prostitutes and or use it on onlyfans and chaturbate.
There’s so much more, the physical abuse alone is a lot, but every day is mental torture. He tells me I’m the abusive one, that his abuse is reactive and I’m the monster and making him do this. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I love him, because he’ll be nice for a few days, so loving and affectionate, apologetic and trying to have a normal day with me. It’ll be how we used to be when we first met before we got married. We’ll have good conversations and he’ll tell me he’ll finally accept therapy and to go to the doctors. And then it all comes crashing down again.
In the times I feel like I love him I feel like it’s my brain protecting myself because I know I physically cannot ever leave him again. So I have to accept being brainwashed in order to not go insane. I tried, twice, and each time ended very very badly. With how many nudes and videos he has of me, the stuff he’s forced me to do, I could get in trouble, I could lose everything too including any family I have left and I would have nowhere to go. I can’t drive, I live in a car dependent city with little public transportation. I’m trapped. And there’s a part of me that does feel like it’s all my fault, his mental state at the least not the physical abuse, so I can’t just go. I sometimes fantasize he’ll have a medical emergency or that the police will be called so I can get away.
He will die if I go, he has regressed to a childlike state. All he does is game and eat. Cry and throw tantrums like a child, and beat me. Disgusting sex stuff, cheating on me constantly. But he cannot hold a job whatsoever, even if he landed one, he’s too obese to physically do it, and his social anxiety would make him quit immediately. He has no friends (I mean literally zero) no family who is able to take him in (they all refused when I left him this last time) and no where to go. He is absolutely fucked without me, and yet he also tells me he’s fucked with me too.
I keep wondering if domestic violence has ever gotten better for some people. If the abuser turned it all around and the relationship was able to heal and be different. I don’t know if that ever will between us, but nevertheless I hope something does shift for the sake of getting to live past age 30.
I apologize if this has been too graphic. I have not a soul I can tell this to in real life, and I feel like I’m on the verge of losing it. Next week is our marriage anniversary and I don’t know how to handle it. I fantasize that I don’t wake up because I can’t handle his abuse anymore. I want to get away but I can’t. Any encouragement helps. I’m sorry for your pain too, and for putting mine in your life too.