struggling after difficult trip / accidental awakening
Hey guys,
I hope this is understandable, I'm not a native English speaker!
I did ayahuasca three times at home with a friend, over the past four years. The first time, it healed my depression, which was very surprising to me because I didn't expect anything. The second time I couldn't swallow a lot of it, so i didn't trip noticeably.
This time, I didn't do a whole lot differently, in terms of dieta and preparation. I cooked ayahuasca with chacruna, with soft water from the bottle. I took the dieta seriously, I cleansed the space physically and energetically. My friend drank it first, everything went well for him, I drank it 4 days later, made from a different batch of chacruna leaves, if that's important.
To put it briefly: I had the feeling, that I was god, and I am the only thing that exists. Also, they switched my concepts off and back on again, repeatedly, which made me feel overwhelmed and scared. Maybe I had a little accidental awakening. But I didn't like it. It felt weird and now I feel weird. I am still a bit overwhelmed with the existence of all stuff and sometimes wish nothing would exist, so I or god or anyone wouldn't have to deal with it. I guess I'm a buddhist now, but it annoys me. Also, I thought I was dying and really tried to fight for my life. Which worked, yay, but it was a bit traumatizing.
Do you guys have opinions on what this means? I feel like I am struggling in life, and wanted to ask the plants for guidance. But it felt like they wanted to punish me. Which makes me sad and scared. In particular, it feels like they wanted to punish me for seeking the meaning of life in other "dimensions" than my own. But I didn't even feel/ know that I was looking for the meaning of life, I thought I was just looking for help and guidance... (and I still think so)
Thanks for reading <3 wish you guys the best.
Edit: Thank you all so much for taking the time and energy to read and comment on my post! I was really happy and moved to see so many comments :) <3 Your perspectives really helped me. I will try not to take the "bad trip" so personally and I'll keep working on grounding myself.