Boyfriend doesn’t respect me and I don’t know what to do
I’m a trans male (23) I’ve been with my partner (22) for 5 years. When we first got together, I found out he had a porn addiction. I wasn’t angry and offered support.
Over the last five years, I keep catching him watching porn of cisgender women who look nothing like me. I’m a midsized (more on the skinny side) guy, and his interests seem to be larger women with big breasts. I am on testosterone but have not gotten top surgery but I feel very dysphoric with both my genitalia and breasts.
As time went on I got angrier because of how secretive he was about it. Every time I talk to him about being open and not hiding it, it’s the same thing. He apologises and then does the exact same thing with little regard to how I feel about it.
I don’t particularly care that he’s watching porn or what he’s into, and I am also aware fantasies don’t always mean that’s what a person wants. I’m upset that he hides it from me even though we’ve been together for a long time. I’m at my limit to be honest, and I feel insanely insecure and disrespected. Our sex life is not great either, he doesn’t really care about getting me off during or after sex, it’s almost as if he’s not even interested.
I want to leave him but I’m a student and I live in student accommodation with him, if I end the tenancy I’ll have to leave university. I feel quite stuck to be honest, and I have nobody to turn to. I don’t even know if it’s worth saying anything to him because I have had the same conversation with him about twenty times now. I am aware this makes me look pathetic.