u/VelvetCactus50

Do you ever wonder about the voiceless subjects of letters to Carolyn Hax? They're usually portrayed as selfish, racist, immature, cruel, insensitive or otherwise awful. I was once the subject of such a letter—which is how I found Ms. Hax's column—and I am none of those things. (For the next couple of weeks, she's on vacation and rerunning old columns. Every time she does, I hold my breath that she won't republish the one about me.)

My request for advice is about how one woman's column—written by someone who had never met me—turned my anonymous life into fodder for her cutting words and an online pile-on.

About 20 years ago, I had a falling out with my former best friend, Anna. During the last five years of our friendship, her life steadily unraveled, and she took her frustrations out on me. It started with passive-aggressive comments about my life choices, then became openly cruel. During our final argument, I learned she viewed my life as pathetic because, despite my career success, I was single and child-free while she was trapped in a marriage to an alcoholic who barely acknowledged her.

At the end of that fight, I told Anna our friendship was over and that she was never to contact me again. I meant it then, and I mean it now. (Those details matter later.) Despite that, she continued reaching out, asking to reconcile. I ignored her.

A couple of years passed before she emailed again. This time, she asked for advice about a parenting problem. It was bizarre. The last thing she'd told me was that she looked down on me for being single and child-free, so why would she suddenly want parenting advice from me? I didn't respond.

When I mentioned it to a friend, they said, "Your former friend probably wrote to Carolyn Hax. That's one of her signature suggestions when someone wants to reconnect after a conflict." It sounded ridiculous, but sure enough, I found the column from around the same time as the email.

I wish I hadn't.

Anna's letter changed key facts. She claimed I had "ghosted" her, that she had no idea why the friendship ended, and that she simply wanted to "work things out." She was 100% innocent. None of that was true. I had explicitly ended the friendship and told her never to contact me again. Based on that false version of events, Ms. Hax wondered why Anna would even want to be friends with "...such an immature person who can't even communicate." She made several other snarky remarks about me, all based on an incomplete and inaccurate story.

Then I read the comments.

People tore me apart as a cruel, insensitive person who enjoyed hurting others. Many speculated about why I was single and insisted no man would ever want me. Some even said I didn't deserve to live because I had refused to have "a simple conversation" with someone I'd known most of my life. Reading hundreds of strangers confidently judging my character based on a distorted version of events was devastating.

For someone who promotes kindness and assuming good intentions, I found very little of either in Ms. Hax's column or its comment section. What really resonates is the cartoon that accompanies her readers advice column, where she's pointing and a crowd is rushing in the same direction. That's exactly what it felt like: a mob running toward me. I've never really gotten over it.

The following week, I wrote to Ms. Hax's online chat explaining exactly how the column had affected me, but she never responded.

That brings me to today. Carolyn Hax is on vacation again, which means she'll be rerunning old columns, and I'm genuinely afraid she'll republish that one because it generated thousands of comments. If she does, how do I get through experiencing it all over again? I know I shouldn't look—but it's hard to ignore a nationally syndicated column that's about you, especially when you've already seen hundreds of strangers condemn you over something that wasn't true.

Just thinking about it makes my heart race. I honestly wish I'd never heard of this woman.

What say you, Reddit? How can I cope with something I fear is about to happen all over again?