Filipino immigrant dealing with family expectations
I’m a Filipino immigrant, and my mom is married to my American stepdad. During my first couple of years in the U.S., I was pretty misguided and had a lot to learn about American culture and values. I eventually decided to join the military, and that experience really changed me. I learned a lot about independence, responsibility, and American culture while still holding on to the Filipino values that are important to me. At the same time, I’ve also had to let go of some of the toxic cultural expectations I grew up with.
After my military service, I met my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time. I’m 27 now. At one point, I moved back in with my parents for a while so I could get back on my feet. It took me about two years to become financially independent and establish myself.
What surprised me was that my mom seemed to expect me to basically resume the life I had before I left for the military. She had expectations for how my life was supposed to go including graduating with a bachelor’s degree and getting married around 30 almost as if these were commitments I had made to her. Instead, I started building my own path. I broke into the tech field while I was still in school and now have a decent job and my own life.
When I decided to marry my girlfriend, my mom took it as a betrayal. She also treated my wife with a lot of resistance and tension, which obviously created a lot of conflict. My wife understandably wasn’t okay with how she was being treated, and the whole situation turned into constant drama.
I’m married now, and I’ve decided to cut off communication with my mom for the time being because I need some peace and boundaries in my own marriage. However, she has started trying to guilt trip me through my family in the Philippines, which makes the situation even harder.
I still love and respect my Filipino background, and I don’t want to completely reject my culture. But I also believe that some expectations especially the idea that children owe their parents control over their adult lives aren’t healthy.
Has anyone else, especially Filipino immigrants been in a similar situation? How did you handle setting boundaries with your parents while maintaining relationship with your extended families?