Feeling done
First of all, I haven’t been diagnosed with dysthymia but with anxious-depressive disorder and social anxiety.
However, since I’ve started to dig in to the symptoms and considering the duration of them (I’ve been depressed since 2021) I think I might have dysthymia. Only last year did I start taking antidepressants and therapy.
I try to be active in my life and I’ve undergone many changes like plenty of new hobbies, new school etc. Nonetheless, I repeatedly get to this depressed state when none of that matters to me (like rn). I feel no joy, excitement. Either close to nothing or just anger, melancholy with crying and utter disgust/irritation by the world and people around me.
I suck at my work and I hear every day from some colleagues how useless I am and that they would be better off without me. I try to be patient with them, I know they are rightfully frustrated but I try to work diligently but I do make mistakes because it’s my second week there.
I am just so fucking tired and frankly dont want to continue in my life. Dont get me wrong my life has been perfect but I cannot handle existing and being a conscious being anymore lol.
There’s nothing in the future im looking forward to even though there are things that should make me feel excited but I feel nothing. I got accepted to my “dream uni” I worked hard to get in but guess what. No joy, no excitement, just worrying and emptiness.
Sometimes I wish I got sick and die or just go to sleep and never wake up. Or “accidentally” got hit by a truck. I am too lazy to kms. It takes too much effort and guilt and I kinda dont know if afterlife exists etc. I feel absolutely trapped exhausted and dome with everything. No matter what I do I always end up in this depressed state it is fucking pissing me off already.
I jist wanted to vent a little to actual humans after speaking just to gpt. Hope you are doing well and wish you a lot of strength in this absurd tragicomedy called life.