I want to nuke the world
Hi everyone. I don’t know where to turn or who to vent to because I vented a little to my therapist and she seemed a little off during and after, so I’m worried I could get in trouble or scare people off so I’m here. I just need to vent and ask if anyone else has these intense feelings. Sorry if I have bad grammar here, I’m kind of emotional while typing this.
I’m a 29 year old female. I want to start by saying that I am by no means a perfect symbol of absolute morality and righteousness. I grew up with an intense notion of respect, understanding others, and right and wrong. I know there are gray areas to most everything and that humans are complex, emotional beings. That being said, I feel that there are just so many people in the world who genuinely don’t care about others or anything other than themselves and seem as though they are stuck in the mentality of a middle schooler with emotional issues. I can relate to how a lot of people feel because I have been there where I worries about what others thought about me, wanted to be cool, liked, admired, etc. But I grew up. It took a freaking long time, but I finally feel that I can stop and think through most things in a mature and logical manner, while taking emotions into account. But lately I just see so much blatant stupidity and lack of regard for anything but themselves. Like people who litter or cheat or abuse children or animals. People who have the gift of freedom to think and speak and feel and stand up for what is right, who have access to an infinite amount of information in the palm of their hands and access to free education yet are hopelessly ignorant and stubborn. I hate them. I HATE them. I know it doesn’t help that I work in veterinary medicine and work with rescue pups, but they are my calling in life and I could never stop having them be a part of me. But I feel so much anger and hatred and justice is a hopeless concept anymore because our government system is all but useless when it comes to prosecution and sentencing. I want to be The Punisher and wipe them all off the face of the earth. And I want them to suffer and I want them to know what they did was wrong. I know many people like who I’m thinking of would never feel true remorse so I want them to suffer to the point in which they understand that they were wrong. I WANT THEM ALL TO SUFFER AND DIE AND BE FORGOTTEN AND GO TO HELL WHERE THEY BELONG.
Gah! I know that people are all unique and have unique experiences and yadda yadda yadda, but the bare minimum of what I think makes a person worthy of life is just basic kindness, thought, and respect. But lately it seems like a vast majority of the populace is just selfish idiots with no sense of morality. I want bad people to suffer and good people to be rewarded, and it seems to be backwards SO often. I think part of the reason I’m so angry is because I used to be sad about it and couldn’t take it and I tried to take the easy way out, but the first time I miscalculated my overdose and ended up in the ER (which was embarrassing because I love math and it was an easy calculation) and the second time I ended up in a mental hospital where I couldn’t go outside or open any windows or call my family when I wanted and that felt worse than what I felt when trying to end it lol. Anyways, sadness=suicide and it never worked out for me, so I guess my brain said “alright, the world sucks but I can’t just die apparently, so I have to kill everyone who makes the world suck”. Idk, just thinking out loud lol.
Again, I’m sorry for the poor grammar and general language, I’m just letting it all flow onto the keyboard right now. I don’t WANT to feel like this, and I’ve become somewhat of a hermit trying to avoid triggers and just live my life happily. And it works until I have to go back out into the world and deal with people again. I even take the backroads to the next city over where I work just so I don’t get angry on the interstate because people drive like idiots there especially. And I just wanna say that I feel like I’m a kind person who can be too trusting and very gullible, and tends to think the best of the people I interact with. I’m the type of person who doesn’t have any personal enemies or rivalries. I feel like I put a lot of effort into understanding others feelings and experiences and actions, and there are just some things that I can’t wrap my head around. Like not cleaning up after yourself or being mean to a random person or abusing an animal or child.
Aaand again I’m sorry, this was a long post to vent but I just needed to let it all out and try to express just how intense these feelings are and give some idea of what’s going through my head so I can ask for help. Thank you to anyone who makes it through this mess of a post ❤️