u/Visual-Layer8192

I’m a 30-year-old man from China. I’ve never been in a relationship, and I’m even still a virgin. I want to share my own story of emotional trauma, because in real life I don’t even have a single friend to talk to about this (lol 😄). At least here, I hope I can find a community where I can belong.
My being single may have its roots in the trauma I experienced during adolescence. It is honestly incredible how much the experiences you have during those years can affect the rest of your life.
I suffered from severe acne during my teenage years. Because of my parents’ neglect, it left me with severe permanent scarring. My skin looks almost like the surface of the moon. In high school, I was even mocked by some of my female classmates. At one point, I was so desperate that I actually thought about killing myself.
Ever since then, I’ve been afraid of women and deeply insecure around them. As the years went by, I was forced to become a nerd. I avoided social situations, focused on my studies, and kept throwing myself into exams, because studying was the only thing I felt I could actually do well. It was the only place where I could find some sense of confidence and self-worth.
And that’s how I lived until I got my master’s degree and started working.
During all those years, I turned down or avoided countless attempts at being set up on dates, because I simply couldn’t overcome my fear of women.
Then, last year, my sister basically dragged me out of my comfort zone and introduced me to a woman.
I know this may sound ridiculous, but as time went on, she actually started messaging me first on WeChat and talking to me. And she really was a very kind person.
So I gathered up all my courage and asked her out.
We went on three dates.
That might not sound like much, but for me, it was incredibly difficult. It took me three months just to get her to go out with me three times. And I know I probably didn’t make a very good impression.
Eventually, I confessed my feelings to her.
She told me:
**“You’re a good person, but I don’t have romantic feelings for you.”**
That almost drove me crazy.
I still had gifts I’d bought for her that I never got the chance to give her.
After a period of intense emotional suffering, I eventually decided to let her go. I have to respect her feelings. I can’t allow myself to become someone who keeps pursuing a woman after she’s made it clear she isn’t interested. I don’t want to look like a stalker.
And I guess that’s the whole story of a 30-year-old virgin.

I also want to clarify a few things.
Although attitudes toward dating, marriage, and relationships can differ greatly between China, Europe, and the Americas, there is a particular aspect of Chinese society that I find very difficult to accept.
After graduating from university, it can be extremely difficult for Chinese people to find what you might call purely romantic love. Dating and marriage can become heavily intertwined with money, sex, fertility, and economic exchange.
Many men who are, like me, considered unattractive or lacking in romantic appeal eventually end up using bride price, or caili, as part of a marriage arrangement with a woman who may not actually love them.
I’m not saying this is forced or that every Chinese woman expects it. That’s certainly not true. But it is common enough to be a major part of the marriage culture in some parts of China. In many cases, men are also expected to provide a house, a car, and other substantial financial resources.
This is probably the part of Chinese marriage culture that I hate the most.
I sometimes look at these unfortunate men and feel that they aren’t really so different from me. Even after getting married, they may still never experience being loved by their wives. They may have to spend every day living with someone who doesn’t truly love them.
And there is even the fear that they might someday discover that a child they believed was theirs isn’t biologically theirs.
Living in an environment where marriage can feel so heavily intertwined with money, social expectations, appearance, and reproduction makes me feel suffocated.
Although, maybe this is how the whole world works to some extent.
Perhaps genuine romantic love has always been rare.
Maybe “love for money” and “love based on appearance” are simply much more common.
So please forgive me for being a 30-year-old man with physical imperfections who is still foolish enough to dream about finding love.