Gay, avoidant, or just a loveless relationship?
Need some perspective here as I’m genuinely at my wits end!!
I have dated my fiancé twice now—the second time has been no different than the first a decade ago.
My fiancé has nearly no sex drive. It’s always been like this. We have sex about once every two weeks, and even then I am dropping major hints that I want him. He doesn’t want me initiating, even if I appear in lingerie— it does nothing for him. After months of long distance, he still wasn’t excited to sleep with me when we were finally together.
Both times we’ve dated, my friends assumed he was either gay or cheating because they said his lack of attraction and affection toward me didnt seem normal. Now that we live together, I don’t think he’s cheating.
He never kisses me more than a peck. The times I’ve asked him to make out, he either says, “Later,” or, once recently, he bit my lip in a very harsh and unsexy way a couple seconds into the kiss. I told him that’s exactly what I’d do if I had to make out with someone I wasn’t attracted to, and he just replied, “Really?”
When we do have sex, it’s almost always from behind unless I push for face-to-face and he’s feeling generous. I eventually realized he strongly prefers one specific position (Asian jockey) that I mostly found discussed in gay porn while trying to figure out whether there was some explanation for his preferences. He’ll see me undressed randomly, shout “naked lady” like a little kid while pointing at me, and then walk out of the room.
He never cuddles before or after sex—he just gets up and goes to clean off. We fight about intimacy constantly, and I’ve explicitly told him things I would like from him. There has been no change. He says I’m hypersexual, perverted, and too needy. I tell him I don’t feel wanted and don’t understand why he’s with me.
I’m really his only adult relationship, although he’s had plenty of hookups. Before me, he had a high school girlfriend who cheated on him. Between the two times we dated, he had what he’d describe as a hoe phase and slept with a lot of women.
I’ve even offered to try anal play on him in the most emotionally intelligent, nonjudgmental way I could, and he immediately said he had zero interest. He denies being gay any time I’ve asked about it. I’ve offered an open relationship to see if it interested him and he was very much against it and insulted I brought it up. He comes from a religious family and is relatively religious himself.
We’re both in our late 20s and are generally considered well above average in attractiveness.
At this point, I genuinely don’t know what to make of any of this. I can’t think of another explanation for why he’s so emotionally and physically distant from me all the time. I don’t understand why he’s with me.
What do you think— Is he gay, avoidant, or is this just a loveless relationship?