When the realization hits that you are in a narcissistic marriage...
Married for 13 years. Four kids. We were able to keep things "good" for the most part. Functioning. Social. Kept face. Decent home life, normal ups and downs.
This last year, he has been unemployed (for the 3rd time in our marriage), and our relationship "issues" have been magnified.
I have been in therapy for years for myself, and ever since my therapist brought up the possibility of my husband being a narcissist, I tried to argue "oh no, he cares, he has empathy, he can't be, he's a good dad, he tries."
This current situation has blown my mind and the blinders are finally off my eyes. I see it all. I see all the manipulation. I SEE IT ALL, AND I CAN'T UNSEE IT.
The way he love-bombed me at the beginning.
The way I shrink to keep the peace.
The way I hold myself back to ensure he is okay.
The control over anything and everything I do.
The way I don't do things to make sure he stays happy or doesn't start an argument.
The way he belittles me in any way possible makes me feel small.
Subtle...
Over time, they planted their seeds in me. I believed it was love, care, loyalty, and what a partnership was. Until I woke up and saw what was happening around me when I started holding my boundary and not feeding his ego anymore.
I have asked for space, over and over and over again, and he can't do it. He can't leave me alone because he needs his ego fed. "Why don't you respect me? Why can't you love me? I can't get a job if we aren't good. You are making the kids feel awful the way you are ignoring me. You never want to talk just talk to me ME ME ME LOOK AT ME SEE ME GIVE ME SOMETHING"
I won't do it anymore. My nervous system is FRIED.
I stayed home on the 4th of July and let him go to his parents with the kids because I need to try to and get back to baseline. He immediately tells my brother he thinks I'm having an affair. Who then told every other one of my siblings. I am clearly NOT having an affair, and he is trying to triangulate the situation and paint himself the victim yet again.
Can someone else validate what I'm feeling?
Pure shock? embarrassment? shame? rage? And an incomprehensible sadness that I can no longer be in this relationship and will have to raise my kids in a broken home if I choose myself?
Will it be okay? I am a child of divorce. I turned out okay (minus the whole marrying a narc thing), but like truly, can someone who's been through it with kids just tell me it will be okay?
I have had dreams of us being divorced (like actual dreams in my sleep), and all I feel is relief that I don't have to ask permission anymore. Relief that I don't have to tend to his emotions. But the weight of everything else (the kids, financially, the coparenting) makes me question whether I should suck it up and swallow my needs until the kids are grown.
Please help validate or give your experience.