u/VoiceOfBroadway

I work as a software engineer and was hired last year to help a one-person dev team because the company decided it wasn't a one-person job. I've been at it just under a year and have been doing pretty well, but the only other person just retired this month and now I am the only engineer.

The person who retired developed the whole system I'm working with and obviously has way more knowledge about it than I do. In fact, half the tech stack we're using is not something I am terribly familiar with, and my brain really doesn't think the way it demands you think.

Anyway, whenever there is a problem anywhere in the system, I now have to deal with it while also developing new features with incredibly vague requirements. Vague requirements alone are enough to send me spiraling, but there is also no structure at this job, no task tickets or anything. I have to plan, task out, design, architecht, code, test, deploy, and maintain everything myself, which is not what I am used to. (I used to work in a software development shop where we had teams to do each part.)

Every day I get interrupted with new requests and am asked high-priority questions I don't know the answers to. My mind blanks out multiple times a day to the point where I cannot even think logically. I end up distracting myself throughout the day by watching YouTube to calm myself down, but then I have a hard time coming back to do work, especially since half the time I have no idea what to do.

Work just keeps piling up and I can't keep up. Each day it just feels like I get nothing accomplished and I feel I am totally inept. On days when I work from home, I end up laying on the floor and crying because I feel so guilty, overwhelmed, and angry with myself.

I am well aware that I am bringing this suffering upon myself, because I have identified myself with being a smart software engineer, and because that identity is being threatened, I do not react well. Still, I can't help but get overwhelmed and really angry with myself.

I don't know what to do to fix this situation. I've never in my entire career told an employer that I am on the spectrum. I've muddled through over a decade of professional software development that way. Part of me really wants to say something, but I don't know what. I've been taught to mask really well and to not show weakness or admit that I struggle at work. I also don't want them to have to hire someone else because I can't handle it. I really don't want to change jobs. I just want to not feel like total garbage every Monday - Friday.

Does anyone have any advice? Thanks.

Growing up, I was taught to always look at people when they speak, let the other person talk about themselves, act interested by nodding and smiling, and not speak until there is a pause or some other prompt. Therefore I am largely a "speak when spoken to" person.

While I am not very socially competent, I do truly believe that these behaviors are "good" and polite. Recently, I read somewhere on a different reddit that people will like you more if you don't interrupt and wait your turn to talk, which makes sense. However, I have been doing this for 30+ years and it seems to make me a third wheel of sorts.

It never fails that whenever I am in a group of more than two people, I never get a chance to speak unless someone asks me a question and everyone else is quiet so I can answer. For some reason it seems like people just talk so fast and interrupt each other and I can't get a word in while remaining "polite." Because of that, I just hover around the conversation and look interested and friendly, but get ignored.

When I do interject, it is usually just a remark to show I am listening, like "oh!", "that's cool!", "nice!" and things like that. I've noticed that this handful of generic positive responses is all I ever say, like a "human being script" from which I rarely stray. Because my script is so narrow, I have no idea how to respond to most things people say to me and therefore all my relationships are quite shallow. I am very robotic in interactions and therefore seem to just be "that polite person" who is never truly part of the group.

I think what prevents me from straying from my script is a deep feeling that every interaction I have is a performance on my part, as if I am constantly being scrutinized. When someone says something to me, I am just trying to find the "right" answer of what to say in response. This is probably some trauma from childhood, honestly.

I am wondering, how does one become more organic with responses while still staying polite and doing what one is supposed to do? The answer is probably "stop caring what others think," which is valid and something I try to do, but it is really difficult when one has deep programming to be polite and unobtrusive.

Anyway, thanks for listening!