u/VymytejTalir

I need to vent. I don’t know anyone in my circles, who is in at least similar situation like me.

I never had functional family. My father’s side of the family barely knows me and my mother’s side is just all about gossip and falsity. My parents divorced when I was 8 yo.

At first I lived with my mother. She lived trough me. She sexualized me. She was not ashamed to do sexual acts with her partner in front of me. She manipulated me. Then I decided to move to my father’s home for my safety. I lost contact with her. Actually it was a relief. I was happy, that I didn’t have to do what she wants. That I could have secrets. We have no contact to this day, it has been 10 years.

But living at my father’s was not the best either. They saw me as something dirty, my dad blamed his second divorce on me (I was suffering from ED and somehow it caused his second divorce, I don’t get the correlation ) and crossed my boundaries multiple times. While he was with his second wife, he didn’t pay too much attention to me. We didn’t develop any healthy relationship between us.

After some time I moved into city 4 hours away for studies. Both of my parents didn’t even know, where I live or what I study, they just didn’t care. I am on very low contact with my dad. We used to call weekly (because I wanted to), but I went into my depression episode and I wasn’t able to make conversations, so we just stopped. He never asked me why we don’t talk anymore, I only told him, that I don’t feel well and that’s it.

I went no contact with my sibling willingly. Because I can’t put up with their behavior anymore. Once I had argument with my dad, I was stating my boundaries, I didn’t insult my dad in any way or at least didn’t try to. Well, my sibling in reaction to the whole situation wrote me such hateful messages, insulting me in ways I couldn’t imagine. My sibling ignores me when I visit dad’s house (they are almost 30yo and still live with our dad), acts like I am non-existent. That hurts me so much, that I decided to not talk to them, so I would not be hurt more.

I have no one in my family. I don’t want to act like I am the innocent one, of course I have my part on this, but I feel like all of them are so fake and self-centered. They have no problem insulting everyone around them. They change their moods so fast.

I feel terrible for not talking to them, but I can’t take it. I grieve not having a functional family. I feel like an ungrateful brat. I think about this every day very often. The pain is nestled in my chest.