I struggle to understand why I feel this way with my wife!
My wife (28F) and I (24M) opened our relationship about two months ago. She originally brought it up because some of her needs weren’t being met. I work a job that requires me to constantly change my personality depending on the situation, and over time I started emotionally detaching. I stopped opening up the way I used to. Around the same time, my wife also became emotionally detached, and after a lot of conversations, we both agreed that opening the relationship seemed like the best option for where we were.
Since then, she has started seeing another guy (20M). He’s very similar to how I was at the beginning of our relationship. They can talk for hours, while I struggle with conversations because I’ve spent so long hiding my emotions. As this poly relationship has continued, I’ve actually started opening up to my wife more than I have in a long time. Almost every day we have deep conversations about my jealousy, fear of abandonment, and fear of being replaced.
I’ve also realized that managing more than one relationship is too difficult for me emotionally, so I stopped looking for other partners. Instead, I’ve found myself becoming angry or upset over small things. I struggle when I see how much time she spends talking to him, gaming with him, or when I hear them tell each other “I love you.” Those moments send me into a depressive mindset, and no matter how much I try to understand why I feel this way, I can’t seem to find an answer.
I talk to my wife about my feelings because she’s really the only person I have who understands what’s going on. I don’t know anyone else in a poly relationship that I can ask for advice. The problem is that these conversations happen almost every day, and I know that’s exhausting for her. She’s told me she wishes I could be happier and more positive instead of focusing on the negative all the time. She has also said that not every day needs to be a deep emotional discussion. I don’t want to be negative, but every day I notice something new between the two of them that reminds me of something I wish I had with her.
She tells me that I still make her happy and that I bring a lot to our relationship, but sometimes I struggle to believe it. The three of us have spent time together, and she’s done a good job of giving both of us equal affection. Even so, it still makes me uncomfortable. When she’s with him, I see a playful, childish side of her that I miss, and it hurts because I wish I was the one bringing that side out.
I keep wondering if it’s normal to feel this way. I want to be everything she needs, and I get incredibly jealous of this other guy. I still blame myself for us opening the relationship in the first place. We’ve had countless conversations about it, and she tells me she doesn’t blame me. She says she doesn’t expect me to become the person I used to be and that she loves me regardless. Even so, I can’t shake the feeling that if I hadn’t changed, if I hadn’t emotionally disconnected, or if I had talked more and been more present, maybe she never would have needed another partner.
What’s confusing is that I’m not miserable all the time. There are moments when I’m completely okay with the situation. When we’re all together, I genuinely have a good time, and seeing her happy makes me happy too. But when they’re alone together, spending hours on the phone, gaming, or falling asleep together on calls, I start feeling anxious and uneasy all over again.
Is it normal to feel this conflicted in a new poly relationship, or am I missing or misunderstanding something about how this is supposed to work?