Piecing together parts who aren’t ready to talk yet.
Recently I keep crying at seemingly random moments. But on reflection I realised the triggers aren’t random, they’re connected. And they point to a part I hadn’t met yet.
Trigger 1
The song ‘Waiting on a miracle’ from the movie Encanto, where Mirabel has a flashback to not receiving her magical powers at 5 years old (unlike the rest of her family) and finally stops pretending she’s fine and admits to feeling hurt, lonely, inadequate and rejected by her family.
“Always walking alone Always wanting for more Like I'm still at that door Longing to shine like all of you shine.”
Trigger 2
Reading a blog by Dr Becky where she describes her 4 year old son stealing pieces of a puzzle the rest of the family had been working on because he felt left out, and then lying about it. Instead of interrogating him, she talks about sitting with him and telling a story about a time she lied to her own mother as a child. Then:
“Three days later, he came up to me holding a little bag. Inside were the puzzle pieces. “I took them,” he said quietly. And he started crying. I didn’t lecture him. I didn’t do the speech. Because the arc had already happened. The truth coming out was the repair.”
I started crying in the middle of the street at the image of the little boy, mustering up the courage to take his ‘badness’ to his mother, and finding himself accepted.
Trigger 3
An Instagram post where a child psychotherapist told the story of a ‘time travel’ game a mother played with her kids. At one point the mother was sent forward in time to act as her 80-year-old self, taking to her present day kids. Afterwards her child said:
“Mom, you turned into an 80-year-old and told me you loved me and had always been proud of me. I needed to hear that today.”
And apparently part of me did too, because I burst into tears.
I found the part and comforted her as best I could, despite being still kind of blended with her. She told me, “I deserved a parent who loved me like that.” I hugged her and told her that yes, that is what she deserved, that I was sorry she didn’t get the love she deserved. And that I was here now, and I was going to love her like that.
I would love any advice on how I can work with this part, now that I’ve found her.
And also if anyone had similar experiences of finding a part in this way, I’d be interested to hear about it!