am i an asshole for slowly distancing myself from a friend after she got a bf?
during undergrad i became super close with this girl really fast, like “besties” type friendship. then she got a bf (she’s 24, he’s 28, met on a dating app — cool, normal, whatever). but ever since this man entered her life i genuinely feel like she became a completely different person and i can’t tell if i’m being dramatic or if other people would also feel weird about this.
first, she suddenly changed her career plans from tech to med sci in THIRD YEAR. obviously people switch careers all the time and that’s totally fine, but it felt very sudden and very influenced by him/the people around him. now she has like 2 extra years because courses didn’t transfer properly while i already graduated.
then there’s the money thing. our friendship used to be very “i got it this time, you get it next time” but i slowly realized… next time literally never came 😭 and i genuinely didn’t notice for a while because i’m so used to paying for people instinctively. i’m the eldest daughter with 2 younger brothers so grabbing the bill, offering first, sending money immediately etc is just ingrained in me. she’s not the eldest and has an older brother + younger brother, and idk if upbringing matters here but our attitudes around money/social responsibility felt VERY different in hindsight.
i genuinely cannot remember her ever saying “i’ll get this one” first or sending her half after. i finally brought it up once and she apologized and we split the bill, but after that we weirdly just stopped hanging out in situations where money was involved.
then came the apartment situation. everyone knows the economy is awful rn, rent is insane, etc. her parents moved further from her uni and she was acting like they personally ruined her life 😭 which okay, a 2 hour commute BACK AND FORTH WOULD suck, i agree. but the way she talked about it was so entitled?? i told her maybe talk to your parents, maybe offer to split rent somewhere closer, maybe work something out since she DID have a part time job.
instead within like 5 days she went:
- “my parents are getting me an apartment and paying for it because they made my life inconvenient”
- “omg my bf is moving downtown near campus and said i can just live with him and i don’t even have to pay rent”
and she said her bf basically told her not to worry about contributing because “he’s got it.” meanwhile she kept talking about how they need to save money and budget carefully and i’m sitting there like girl… YOU are the budget 😭
she lives downtown with him now and i have literally never been invited over. no housewarming invite, no “come see the place,” nothing. meanwhile this was someone i considered one of my closest friends.
the last time we got lunch all she talked about was furniture, apartment stuff, budgeting with her bf, relationship things, etc. and i just realized i genuinely don’t relate to her anymore. every convo somehow circles back to him/the relationship/the apartment.
also she kinda disappeared socially once she got into this relationship. barely talks to people, barely posts unless it’s him or vacations, doesn’t really engage with anyone anymore. she’ll occasionally send me a tiktok but even that stopped because i stopped responding as much.
important context: i’ve genuinely never been very interested in relationships/marriage/kids and she’s the COMPLETE opposite. she knows this. i knew that too. i never cared, neither did she?? i didn’t think it mattered because i never judged her for wanting those things, but now i’m wondering if our values/lifestyles are just fundamentally different and i ignored it before because we were close.
i haven’t officially ended the friendship or confronted her or anything. i’ve mostly just quietly distanced myself because every interaction leaves me irritated now and i don’t even know if it’s justified 😭
lastly, i had dinner once w her and her man. we went bowling and then went to a mexican place. it was like a proper meet of "bestie"" whatever, he was boring imo, bowling was weird, they had pda whenever i wasn't looking their way??? the dinner was so weird, my friend literally had 2 drinks and was GONE, SHES SUPPOSE TO BE OUR MEDIATOR BUT WAS GONEEEEE and its just us two making small talk and laughing and finding one common thing and running with it the whole night. ALSO I PAID LMFAOOOO FOR ALL 3 OF US. yes, i told her like pls i feel weird u guys r covering bowling let me cover the dinner. bro didn't even attempt to pay.....like okay no worries i did say i would pay which i did but not very gentleman like!
am i being unfair? jealous? judgmental? or does this genuinely sound like one of those friendships where someone completely changes once they get into a serious relationship? or are we just getting older and drifting apart?? LIKE I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS IN A RELATIONSHIP, ONE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED BUT I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL THEIR OWN PERSON, NOTHING HAS CHANGED. YES THEY TALK ABT THEIR PARTNERS WHICH IS NORMAL BUT NOT LIKE THIS, IT'S LIKE A ONCE IN A WHILE OR CASUALLY and they're all nice, normal men btw i've met them alllll SO IDK AM I INSANE??