u/Weary-Friend-9379

Art has been a rollercoaster of stress for the past 8 Months of me doing it,this level of envy is something I never really felt to anything other than art,

I don't care about the largest guy in the gym, I might get a bit jealous but shrug it off,

I don't really care that someone in my favorite video game climbed with a 10 win streak or first tried a Boss I was struggling to beat

But with art?.. it's like something turn's on inside my brain that just brings me intense envy, to the point of almost having a panic attack, and a thousands different thought begin spinning around my head,

It ha a become so bad to the point of me having to put a hand over my screen when scrolling through Instagram just so I Don't remember their name (I have blocked 1556 Artist on Instagram)

This feeling worsens when an even Younger artist just comes in with a masterpiece and has more success than me , and it genuinely makes me hate them,

I can't look at tutorials anymore without getting stressed, I can't look at references without felling worse,

No matter how many "comparison is the thief of joy" I hear, the feeling of inferiority and disgust will never go away, Like is the artist with better skill immediately a more valuable person and more better, which gives them the right of pitying the inferior

Everything is a competition and I Lost every single one, until the moment I found art, and people started recognizing me.. even if it's a little, I can't quit it, I am a nobody without it,

How do you even feel joy in art anymore.

In the past few years, I have had my fair share of disrespect.. across school and highschool, usually people mocking me, girl's walking past me saying "ew" and stuff like "werido" I was the one who was usually bullied but not in a physical sense, ,more like people mocking me for my stupidity, miss speaking or accidentally tripping, calling me ugly beacuse I had alot of hair growth, or in highschool getting slapped in the head,.. or teachers mocking me for random mistakes,

On a school trip I took, everyone got picked for a certain activity..and I was rendered last so I just went with who's available and while everyone got their own tasks.. I was left to just watch.During practice for a school dance a girl began sobbing beacuse she got paired up with me .Always being the "backup" friend for when the "original friend" isn't there to keep them intrested.

at football practice a teammate just said to my face I am just a number value and that's all that I am for the club, if I wasn't a goalkeeper it'd just be a benched player. while other's talk about themselves they don't even bother to look at me,

The hell is going on?.. I don't remember harming these people to be treated like this... Is minding my business that much of a red flag for them?.

"