Does anyone else feel good when they use the bathroom after eating, like you're getting rid of the food you just ate (in a way)? I know it's not the same as purging or fasting after eating but it still makes me feel good to use the bathroom right after eating because it's like I got rid of the food. When I use laxatives I get the same feeling. Just curious if anyone else feels like this 😁
Any big emotion I have or new stress I get leads me to binging or over obsessing about food. My boyfriend's friends have been making fun of me and how I dress so it led me to not eat a lot recently. I'm also trying to move houses and it's very difficult so it's led me to binge more. I feel a depressive episode coming too which doesn't help. At least I'm 9 days purge free 🫤
I'm just venting here and this doesn't mean I think this way about other people's experiences.
I could potentially be starting therapy soon and I have this idea in the back of my mind that I'm not sick enough to need help. I'm around a week clean and last time I purged I was 12 days clean. I don't feel as sick or as bad as I used to be a month ago when I was purging every single day. In my mind I say "I have to get sicker like before so I'll actually need the help I'm getting when I go to therapy" I know it's twisted and doesn't make much sense but it's just how I feel about myself. I also know it's a very common thing to not feel sick or "sick enough" to need recovery or help. My cravings have been less intense and I'm eating more regularly which adds to me not believing I actually need help. I can't tell if it's the disease speaking to me or if I'm really not sick enough to need help 🫤
I think it's very common for people to have strange food rules or just things that make sense to you surrounding food that don't make sense for other people. For me I can eat an entire bag of chips in one sitting because then I won't have it tomorrow but I can't drink a full sugar soda without feeling guilty for it. Another thing for me is that I can eat whatever I want before it turns midnight but if I eat anything after it hits 12am then I feel like the whole next day is ruined. I wonder what other people's food rules are.
12 days clean and I ruined it. I haven't been this clean in months. It hurt so badly too because it came up through my nose as well. Not to mention I've also been using more laxatives lately too and my period just started.
For those who are in recovery or have gone through it, how long was it before you actually started?
I haven't gone through recovery nor have started to but I'm curious on how long it actually took for some people to actively start to heal from this disease.
Yesterday my sister made a joke about ed's (not eating/throwing up food) and also said she should have brought me a bigger drink from Starbucks because the small one I had, I drank a lot of it.
And today me and my dad were school shopping and he mentioned how I now wear much bigger clothes compared to how I did years ago.
I haven't eaten much since hearing either of those comments.
Does anyone else feel guilty for buying foods to binge on? To me it feels like I'm "feeding" into the disorder. Most of the foods I buy I don't even purge them I just binge on them.
I can't seem to get enough sleep. I sleep for 12 hours? Tired. 5 hours? Tired. 8 hours? Tired. I haven't been purging as frequently so I'm not even sure why I'm so tired all the time. My sleep schedule is beyond wrecked right now. It's so hard for me to wake up in the mornings even if I've had a full night's sleep. Maybe it's my horrible diet from binging on the worst foods or something else. I'm not completely sure. I'm so mentally and physically tired all the time and it sucks so much.
As the title says already I only feel peaceful when eating food is when I'm eating alone. I will avoid all human contact to avoid eating with other people or even around other people. I think it's a reason why I binge too because I restrict so much to avoid eating around others that I just eat everything when I'm alone. Night time has been mostly the only time I eat now to surely avoid all contact with others. My family has been asking if I'm on a diet recently too because if I actually do eat around them it's a little bit. I get so happy when I'm home alone so I can somewhat eat in peace without someone down my neck questioning me about it or commenting on it. Sometimes I wish I lived alone to avoid all of this, but that also scares me because what if I just binge on the food instead of avoiding it?
What I say in this I'm not saying about other people it's just how I feel about myself.
Sometimes when I actually eat something or eat and don't purge it after I feel this sense of faking my problems with food. I know it sounds silly. Some days I want help more than anything else and then others I feel either comfort through my ed or like I'm not sick enough to actually need help. It's even worse when I cook for myself and make a meal and in my mind I'm saying "if I was actually sick or needed help I wouldn't be making myself this." It's so exhausting going back and forth telling myself I need help and then I don't. Does anyone else go through this or has before?
Like the title says I mostly stay in my room to avoid going out and having my family ask if I've eaten or if I'm hungry or if I want to eat something etc. I know it's not healthy to avoid my family and not talk to them to not eat but it's all I can really do to avoid it. I feel so selfish for not wanting them to care about me or want me to eat but they have also called me fat in the past for eating normal meals and made fun of what I'm eating. My nickname used to be "Fatty Maddy". I've stashed old food trash in my room before and I'm not proud of it but one time my sister barged in my room and made fun of me for it. My family either tells me to eat more and asks me if I'm on a diet or they're calling me fat when I get a plate of food or when they pick me up. I wish they knew what was going on in my head but I feel like I can't even explain it to them. My sister has asked me if everything is okay with me but I just can't bring myself to tell her. I even promised her everything was fine but deep down I know everything isn't. I feel like such a burden to them I don't want to bring anything up to them and make them worry or make a big deal about it. I've walked a mile to the store to get food before because I didn't want to bother anyone to take me. Sometimes I feel like if I disappeared no one's life would change.
This is mostly a vent but whenever I feel full or like my stomach hurts after eating it's the biggest trigger for me to purge. It's like my body is telling me what I just ate was too much and a bad decision and I need to get rid of it. It's so hard for me to not get up immediately and go to the bathroom. I've been clean for 4 days now and it feels weird. The only reason why I haven't done it is because I haven't really binged or eaten a lot in the past few days. It's this constant cycle of binging all the time and purging it and then not eating barely anything. It's not even intentional sometimes. It's just like auto pilot taking over my mind. I've lost a few pounds too (barely) and it wasn't even like my goal or anything. I'm staying with my dad's side of the family for the summer and they know nothing about this, only my mom knows about it so I haven't seen anyone or a therapist about it. I feel so lonely all the time. This disease really brings out the worst in a person it feels like.
I just tried on a few swim suits I have lying around from the last few years. Just last year I felt somewhat confident in wearing these but now I hate how I look in them. I've gained at least 10 pounds in just fat since last year and it's made my body look drastically different. I've always had a bigger stomach but not like how it is now. I can't even wear a two piece swimsuit without looking extremely bloated/pregnant. My body proportions are so off. I hate how my upper body looks so much. I can't tell if it's my body dysmorphia playing tricks on me or if I really do look this big to other people. It also doesn't help that I'm pretty short and have a short torso so my stomach is naturally larger than those with a longer torso. I wish I could go back to 6 months ago when I was my lowest weight and actually had a flat stomach for the first time in my life.
Not really sure how to put this, but sometimes when I drink something and burp after, a little bit of the liquid comes back up my throat. I'm thinking it's due to purging so much and my gag reflex has gone down a lot but I'm not an expert lol. Any ideas?
I hate when someone uses the bathroom when I have the urge to purge. It's so hard for me to have a proper meal without thinking about or actually purging it after. Of course I just had dinner and my dad immediately goes to the bathroom to take a shower ☹️. I can't even go outside and do it because it's raining. God I hate when my routine is messed up or my plan is ruined. I don't care as much when I didn't plan on purging before and it gets ruined but when I actually plan on doing it and something happens to where I can't do it anymore it just ruins my mood completely. My stomach hurts really bad from dinner and I want to purge it so badly but I'll have to wait but if I wait too long I won't be able to do it. God I just want to feel normal
I hate how my emotions always tie to me binging/purging or self harming. I went over to my boyfriend's house for the 4th of July and after I left I found out that my boyfriend's dad called me a boy because I have short hair and didn't dress that feminine. Of course that led me to be super emotional and thinking about b/p or self harming the rest of the day. I always get super bad urges when I'm super stressed about stuff and this just was the cherry on top. I'm currently in the middle of a binge right now and I did self harm earlier. I just want to feel normal in my own skin and not have someone question me about how I dress, how my hair is, or what I'm eating. I just want all of this to end.
This might be triggering for some, so warning you.
I had a huge binge at 6 in the morning. This was after staying up all night with my boyfriend on the phone and avoiding eating since dinner the night before. When he finally fell asleep my control left the window. I'm not going to say exactly what I ate, but it was a lot. It was more than what I've been binging on recently too. I didn't even think about drinking water during it which if you know, you know, is bad. I tried purging it but I didn't drink anything so it hurt so badly and I felt like I was choking. I couldn't get all of it out because there was no liquid. I hate feeling like this every single day. Even when I'm having a good day it still leads to a b/p eventually. I wish I never started doing this in the first place.
This was last night but I went out to dinner with my dad and ended up purging in the bathroom before we left. I was doing fine while eating and didn't really think about purging but I still ended up in the bathroom. This was the first time I've ever done it in public. I didn't even care that there were other people in the stalls too. Before I even began, I cried on my knees in front of the toilet. I just want to feel normal. I still haven't seen a therapist because I need to wait for insurance stuff to process. I don't want to live like this anymore but I keep getting worse and worse. I hate this
I'm not sure if this is related to bulimia or something else going on with me but I've had a red rash appear around my neck and collarbones recently. Does anyone else have something like this going in or have had this happen to them? Again, I'm not sure if this is related from b/p or something else happening.