u/WeirdPriestess

Bipolar I wife here. Married to just the best man in the world.

I’ve been up since 0330 due to a hysterically bad nightmare (again). The ungodly amount of prasosin I take can’t even take the edge off of these dreams.

In addition to being Bipolar I, I’m also a disabled veteran former USMC Sergeant with complex post traumatic stress disorder due to my combat exposure combined with childhood sexual trauma.

He and I spent all day yesterday. 12 full hours between sitting together in silence or discussing my obscene hyper sexuality.

Not for the first time, certainly not for the last.

I had to go inpatient a few weeks ago. I’d tried to find a bottle of temazepam that we keep on hand for when I stop sleeping due to mania. I had the intention of swallowing a thousand milligrams. I think that would have done it. It’s under lock now - because I can’t be trusted.

I have a doctorate. I ran a highly successful wing within a federal facility until two years ago when a psychotic episode in clinic stripped me of my position and license.

I’m 100% non-violent. But this is madness.

I’ve been on every med. We just rotate through new combinations now.

I have one kidney (I’m an altruistic kidney donor - didn’t identify the bipolar until my 30’s). Because of this I can’t take lithium.

This is a mess.

I’m sad all the time. Or manic. Always horny, always trying to pull other men into our relationship (consensually) - I have NEVER cheated on anyone. But I certainly like to walk that line it seams.

I cannot control my feelings. They control me. Despite the use of techniques, mantras and redirection, I am powerless against literally any idol want which crops up into my head.

He and I are both bisexual, so of course I would abuse that avenue during an altered state.

I’ve been in psychosis on and off and within a mixed episode since last November.

Literally how do ANY of you survive this.

Goodness I don’t even want to survive this. Absolutely how are you doing this? How are you staying with us when everything we do hurts you - even though we don’t mean to cause harm.

There’s no malice in my actions - ever.

But it hurts him just the same.