Bad fighting with my husband
Hi all,
I’m a SAHM to a 3.5yo and 11mo. I’ve been struggling with some postpartum depression after some severe sleep deprivation the last 11 months due to my exclusively breastfed baby not sleeping through the night and my 3 year old starting preschool and bringing home every sickness to me and the baby. Some nights I’m up every hour-ish, some nights I’m up for a chunk of time (like12-4) and on a good night I am up around 1-3 and then again at 5.
I do 100% of the night wake ups for both kids and no matter how little sleep I get it doesn’t change my day responsibilities. My husband still goes to work and comes home like nothing happened and admittedly I’m starting to lose it. I’m sooooo short fused and tired and mean. I’m not someone I recognize. I look old and rundown. I hate who I have become and what motherhood looks like for me.
I see a therapist weekly and she’s suggested medication, but my husband isn’t on board since I’m breastfeeding. My therapist has also suggested outpatient treatment but they are hours a day and my husband doesn’t think we can accommodate the childcare. So I’ve been managing and some days are better than others.
But on the days I’m really struggling, I set my husband off so badly. I get to the point where I can’t take the feeling anymore and I explode. He calls me names ( cry baby, bitch, lazy, cunt, demon), he gets physical but not usually in a way that hurts. More like shameful (hit me on the head with a book, poured a bag of popcorn over my head). He has thrown me into a wall and house plant and put his elbow into my throat, but those were all in response to things I was doing so I can’t say I didn’t deserve it. (The wall/plant was because I slapped him. I never get physical but he said I was making up my ppd because I was a lazy bitch who hates her kids, I just saw red. It’s no excuse, I know. I can’t even believe I did it). He’s intimidating and aggressive and scary. He’ll punch himself in the face, or break the vacuum into bits, or hit the table so hard screws fall out. I try to keep my cool and deescalate. I apologize, I go to confession, I beg for forgiveness.
Anyway, we had another fight tonight after an almost sleepless night. He has rules for my mom and family that his mom and family don’t necessarily have. I got mad and took it too far I guess. He said I was pushing him, I was trying to lead him outside (the fight was about flowers) so he elbowed me in the throat and pushed me up against the wall. My daughter was crying (she didn’t see anything but could tell we were elevated) and he said “mommy isn’t well”.
When he loses his patience I take the kids outside and let him cool down. I never make him look bad in front of my kids. I feel stuck and trapped. Sometimes I want to leave so bad. But other parts of me feel like the worst mom ever and I’d be taking my kids away from a father that they love who loves them. He’s patient with them and never loses his temper. Not like me. I feel so lost and scared and alone.
He’s not always so extreme. He’s honestly a really kind and loving man most of the time. He says he loves me and I know we used to be in love right? What do I do?! I’ve tried behaving. I just get so tired and worn out and I snap. I know I sound so lame and weak and I’m so sorry. I love my kids more than anything. I just want to do what’s right for them.
Anyways, thanks for listening. I’m so sorry to even be putting my business out on the internet. I just have no friends or family I can talk to about this.