Anxiety about the possibility of ending therapy
I have had my current therapist for 3+ years. I have been in and out of therapy for almost 6 years. Before my current therapist, the therapist I've had for the longest duration was 16 months.
Anyway my current therapist:
Showed me what it is like to be cared for
Repeatedly had a stable presence
Enabled me to cry for the first time in front of her after 2+ years and normalised it and now I have the ability to cry again after losing it
Helped me make sense of my trauma
Stayed by my side while I've went through many traumatic situations and seen me through these situations
Never gotten angry with me
Has safely worked through any "ruptures" with me
Helped me form a secure attachment to her
Helped me build a life
I adore her. The problem is that I get quite clingy sometimes and v attached. When I was younger, I always attached to random adults and they were unsafe attachments. I finally found someone safe so I don't experience that longingness to form an intense attachment to anyone else anymore.
I more want to be able to internalise the safety and then eventually move on.
My therapist is in her 60s and has health issues and says she can't be as reliable as she used to be and might retire soon. The uncertainty is scaring me. I'm also scared that it might end in a traumatic way.
I find often the buildup is worse than the actual goodbye.
I'm also unsure how long it could be that is left. It could be up to 2 years and my therapist has no idea and that's what scares me. I don't blame her at all and it is ok that she doesn't know but I don't feel secure within myself as she is my source of safety.
I also constantly have this longing for something more. Our bond has been very strong. I don't know where I'm going with this, I guess just a vent.
She suggested I might want to move to a therapist who is younger and closer in distance to me (because my current one is over an hour away from me by public transport) and I was in pieces. I don't want another therapist because therapy is intense. I want to finish our work and maybe never go back to therapy but then I don't know. My issue is just the whole attachment stuff but then maybe if I internalise it I might not do it again.
I don't know what I want. Therapy costs money and I'm fortunate to have very low cost therapy. I don't know what is going on in general. Ugh idk. Pls don't be mean to be in the comments. It is not her fault or anything I just have anxiety.