I hate music now (jk kind of) and it fixed my life
I'll probably take this down later since it's pretty personal and I am paranoid. But I thought maybe this sub would appreciate my thoughts on my recent journey. I'll give a mild TW for SA mention here.
I'm in my 30s and have played in punk bands since I was in 8th grade. It's always been the key driver of my life and my social life. Any decisions I ever made were based around that. And until the past few years it was extremely beneficial to me. I made tons of friends all around the world and saw a lot of the world via touring as well. I always had this view that my life would be nothing without it, and I think when I was younger that was true. I grew up extremely poor and I've had some rich and memorable experiences and met some really cool and weird people through the touring and creative life. I've gone all over the world. I have some crazy stories. How else could I have done that?
But I grew more and more tired of it over the past few years. One of my bands was pretty successful and we toured a lot. But I was still maintaining a full time job at home and trying very unsuccessfully to balance grad school as well. Getting fired from jobs or quitting them to hit a tour. Romantic relationships just don't work well with this lifestyle either and after a few years of that I was feeling burned. Doubts started creeping in about how much I really enjoy living like this. People you talk to say "Wow your life seems so cool and exciting" and I'm just thinking "I'm completely lonely and depressed but thanks". People say "Wow I wish I could go on tour!" and I'm like "Ok, why don't you go instead of me". There was no balance in my life.
Last summer I met a really awesome girl who was into punk and stuff when she was younger but isn't really any more. She appreciates it but is not really involved in it. She really has her life together and meeting her and falling in love with her motivated me to get my life together as well. I started thinking more seriously about leaving the band life behind and locking in more on my personal life. Develop a career and a relationship.
And THEN - one of the guys in my band SA'd one of her friends (who is also my friend). We had always kind of known that he was bad and weird with women and had discussed kicking him out of the band over being a perv before but it just never happened because we were so busy. This led to me quitting the band after a huge fight. Basically I said it's me or him - I'm not playing in a band with someone like this. And everyone else in the band kind of took the red pill and said said she's making it up etc. we're not kicking him out of the band over this lame shit. So I walked. But it still wasn't enough to save the budding relationship that I was excited about. She cut me off (completely justified and logical in my opinion btw). But she said a lot of things that really stuck with me. About how me being in this punk world puts me in close association with people who are truly horrible and scary to her- misogynistic, racist, pervs, etc. And even if I'm not like that, my proximity to it and tolerance of it makes me seem spineless and she can't get over it. She said she just cannot imagine being in a serious relationship with someone who spends so much time in that kind of environment, with those kinds of people. And all of that really resonated with me. I had already been in a place in my life where I was feeling kind of fed up with that whole world, and this was the nail in the coffin. What am i doing hanging out every weekend with literally the worst and sketchiest people in whatever city I'm in. I think what she said was "Everyone you mention is the most fucked up and scary person ever. How do you think that makes you seem?" She's 100% right - I spend all my time in proximity of like, 40 year old nihilistic rape apologists. Whether or not I actually like them or approve of them or agree with them (I don't, at all) I'm still THERE. What the HELL am I doing? What kind of future will that really lead to? I'm done now. I've done enough. I've heard enough songs. I've met enough freaks. It's hurting my life more than it's helping now.
And this all made me realize how fake and poser so many punks are too. The whole point of the genre is like, "I care about stuff and have morals" but when I speak up about not treating women like shit and try to have a spine, everyone tells me to quit being a buzzkill and go to hell. I'm SO over it. It's all bullshit. Which I did know but this drove it home.
Just a few weeks after all of this I was in a pretty bad car accident and was unable to play guitar for a long time. So, I had a lot of time to just really reflect on all of this and be truly away from music. I have not touched a guitar or even thought about doing so in like over 6 months. I have not gone to a show. I have not talked to anyone from the punk scene (it seems like I am kind of ostracized now for speaking up, people see me as a buzzkill or a scold or something and idrc). And yeah, you may correctly guess that not a single person from the punk scene reached out to ask if I'm doing OK after this insane accident. Not the band, who even though I had quit had still been my lifelong friends. Nobody. The people who checked in on me were my coworkers and my normal friends outside of punk world. So, that puts it all into perspective too.
I have not listened to punk or hardcore music once since then. Since I finished physical therapy I go to the gym every single day. I'm not going to get my full master's degree but I'm still locked in pretty hard on the classes. All I do is go to the gym and study and work on my portfolio. Even though the girl who catalyzed all of this is gone, I am still making the changes in my life that she inspired me to make. I feel really focused. I feel really happy. I am starting to rebuild my social life in a way that feels way more healthy and balanced. I feel like more of a "normie" for lack of a better term and I love it. I have a job that I like and I hangout with my coworkers after work instead of freaks in a sketchy bar. Quitting music has made me feel happier and more fulfilled than anything has in a long time. And it has made me love music more, which makes sense. It's a fun thing for me to enjoy instead of a second job and a weight around my neck. I haven't even thought twice about going back to that life. I'm just like, some guy who likes music.
It makes me kind of sad too. Music meant so much to me for so long. How can I feel this good leaving it behind? But I also don't think it's 100% over. Once I get my life settled and sorted, I think I will make my own music just for fun and release it anonymously online, or dip my toes into a music scene that's different from the one I was so involved in for so long. But it just feels really good to be able to see and accept other parts of life and not make my life revolve around this creative scene that actually doesn't really care about me or my wellbeing.
I always like to remind people that most of their absolutely favorite hardcore bands broke up when they were like, 19 years old. You're not supposed to do this into your 30s. Just let the kids do it and grow up. I don't regret doing it, and I'm also so happy to be done. I let myself grow up and I feel awesome.