It has hit me like a freight train
Never thought I would have the need to post something like this, but I am going for it and appreciate anyone and everyone who takes the time to read it. I turn 45 in a few days and the mid life crisis train hit me like a freight train as cliche as it sounds after 1 phone call.
I feel like I have been doing OK, (I am dealing with some sexual addiction as well but a subject for another day) keeping it together, but there have been a lot of cracks forming but I have been able to somehow push frustration and the pain aside until a received a phone call. It had been a rough week, I was on auto pilot. My wife is going through the big C and had a procedure earlier in the week and I have been doing my best to take care of her. Kids started school and routine was getting back in place. My MIL called about helping her move in less than a week, I knew it was coming, but it had been at least a month or so out. I didn't agree to anything but just took in in. After I got off the phone, I literally felt the color drain from me and felt something like I have ever felt before. I just couldn't take on another thing, and with this move it was a lot of family drama as well, more than just the physical nature of it. I started snapping at my wife and everything and just wanted to disappear. We were out and had separate cars and I managed to drive myself home.
I pulled into the driveway and literally couldn't come in the house. I sat for about 45 minutes with music on repeat and cried without crying if that makes sense, it build up but wasn't a full on cry. I don't remember the last time I cried. I was hungry but couldn't even deal with making something to eat. I couldn't handle being home so I left and went out to eat several hours later, but after feeling like starving myself felt good as sick as that sounds. I got home later after an event I attended myself and went to bed. I felt somewhat normal in the morning but it's back again.
Work was rough this week as well, I spent over 6 months on a project for work that was personally very satisfying, but just found that it never needed it be done, it was completely pointless because it turned out we didn't have a need for it. My job feels repetitive and useless. I used to find comfort in the routine, now I just feel literally sick about it and crave something creative and interactive that people like and respect, not some some thankless job where all I deal with are other issues and problems for the past 16 years. I also think about not working and how amazing retirement would be too.
Appetite comes and goes.
I am trying to think about planning something that I enjoy myself but things I used to find fulfilling now seem like an awful chore. Going to a car show for instance used to be something I'd think about for weeks before, now I'm getting a tension headache thinking about getting up, and parking and cost $.
My whole street feels like a crisis, men on their motorcycles and cruising in their classic cars. I had to sell mine a few weeks ago for $ reasons. Other houses that look nicer, lawns that look better than mine. They look more attractive and have more attractive spouses, I feel awful about feeling that way but it's true. My house feels like a disaster and a dump pile in the garage.
I feel guilty about complaining about this too. I have told myself the past day, there are people with real problems what are you complaining about, then I feel even more sick and paralyzed.
The really awful and strange thing is, the crisis and the pain in a sick and twisted way feels good, it feels like attention that I haven't had in decades, literally wallowing in my own pain feels good.
I am losing it