u/Whilstledowner

I started talking to this guy on Tinder. He is a professional massage therapist. After chatting with him, I remembered that it's been many years since I got a massage and how therapeutic it was. It would also be my first massage after my bottom surgery. I asked him how much he would charge. He told me his normal rate but said he would massage me for free and it would be for fun for us.

We didn't specifically talk about my gender. I used emojis in my profile to allude to my gender, but not sure if he even noticed. In this case, since I am getting a massage, does it matter? I let him know I was very nervous. He told me he would be completely respectful and would give me a very relaxing session I would love.

With excitement and trepidation, I headed over to his place. He opened the door, wearing a white polo shirt and tan khakis. I thought he looked handsome. He was a perfect gentleman, showed me around, and offered me some water. I still had all my jitters so I sat there and talked with him for a while.

After I felt more comfortable with him, he told me to get undressed and get under the sheet. We started with me on my stomach with him massaging my neck first. After that he moved to my shoulders, back, glutes, legs, and calves. When he got to my legs, he did some stretches by pulling them wide horizontally. I felt very vulnerable but the stretches felt amazing.

I asked him what he loved most about his work. He made a joke and said "right now it felt pretty great". That made me laugh and put me at ease with him, knowing him not being turned off by my body. When he was massaging my inner thighs, I felt his fingers brushing against my private area. It felt accidental and intentional at the same time.

When he finished my back side, he asked me to turn over to be on my back. He stood behind my head while massaging my stomach. I opened my eyes and saw his chin not too far from my face. He noticed me looking at him, so leaned over and kissed me. I kissed him back. One thing led to another, he was going down on me. I was really nervous because at that point we never talked about me being post op. After that, he tried to initiate intercourse but I didn't feel comfortable doing that, so I stopped him.

As I was getting dressed, he took me to the other room with a view of the city. We sat on the couch and talked more. I got to hear more of his story and got to know him a little better. After I got home, he sent me text to make sure i got home safely and let me know he'd love to see me again soon.

For multiple reasons, I decided not to continue this connection, but I had a genuinely nice time with him, got a free therapeutic massage from a nice handsome man, and felt authentic and desired. I couldn't have asked for a better experience for my first massage post bottom surgery. This experience also made me realize another unexpected benefit of bottom surgery: freedom. I felt free to be living my life as a woman in an intimate context, not having to explain what I have, don't have, will have, plan to have. I just living my life as a woman.

I'd like preface this by saying that everyone is valid and I believe that there is someone for everyone. However, that does not mean he is the right person for me. Just as I think it's completely valid and not transphobia for a man to not be interested in trans women, I also think it's valid for me (and any of us) to not be interested in a man because of certain things. You can call me insecure if you want. To me, everyone has their dating preferences. We can like someone without feeling romantic attraction or wanting to pursue anything beyond platonic friendship.

Before anyone accuses me of not liking men, I would encourage you to read my previous posts. I am stealth post-op and have met plenty of men who treat me well. Those men are naturally masculine, chivalrous, consistent, persistent, protective, caring, treats me no different than any other woman, brings me flowers and gifts, are active but don't live at the gym, go out of their way to make things convenient for me, who don't live on social media, etc.

In no particular order:

1. Men who say they are straight and switchy or versatile.
2. Men with long hair but no facial hair.
3. Men who have had a lot of experience with anal sex with different partners.
4. Men who specifically seek out trans women or are only/mainly interested in trans women.
5. Men who travel to Thailand regularly and are very familiar with the 'ladyboy' culture.
6. Men who post multiple selfies that are basically the same photo with small variations of facial expressions.
7. Men who post their Insta, snap, telegram, kik etc. handles in their dating profiles.
8. Men who ask you to meet at or near their place even though they live at least an hour away.
9. Men who go back and forth arguing with women about petty things.
10. Men whose profile photos consist of shirtless selfies only, no matter how ripped they are.

I know there has been some debate about this and some girls are hesitant about getting bottom surgery because of this fear. Speaking from personal experience, this can't be far from the truth.

It's true that you will need some serious recovery time. It's also true that you will need to dilate for the rest of your life. However, once you are completely healed, your dating and sex life will get so much better. The moment that a truly straight man locks his eyes with lust on your coochie, you will feel validated. The moment he buries his face between your legs and tells you how delicious you taste, you will start melting. The moment he pushes your legs apart and pushes himself inside you while looking at your face lovingly, you will feel most feminine and vulnerable. The moment he tells you how amazing you feel because of how wet and tight you are, you will feel all the troubles you had with the recovery were well worth it.

I used to be "tricked" into thinking that I got to keep my natal body parts to make me "special" for dating. I used to be scared by the propaganda that a neovagina would never be good enough for dating. I felt lucky to have been brave enough to break through these fears and went ahead with my surgery. I was scared to have my first experience with a man after my bottom surgery. Little by little, I realized how none of those fears had any basis.

I often get the feedback how clean and delicious my coochie is and how it grips my partner's penis. It's almost funny how important tightness is to men. They literally will not stop ranting about how much pleasure he gets (and sadly sometimes compare to some of their prior unclean and loose experiences). I have rarely had any men who would not go down on me or pester me for a repeat. I have also learned why women usually only keep men who go out of their way to pleasure their woman. A handsome face and a ripped body is dime and a dozen, but a man who goes out of his way to make you orgasm is a keeper.

I wish all the girls who are considering bottom surgery all the bravery and luck! 💪🏼🍀

This post is a follow-up for my last post. If the man is firm about not wanting children in the future (e.g. already have kids and had vasectomy), are we obligated to tell them about our history? A lot of us who go through full transition really want nothing more than putting that part of our history behind us. In every aspect besides not being able to have children, we are just women. We present as women, we identify as women, we think and feel as women, we move through the world as women. We want our man to think of us as nothing but woman. We don't want a constant reminder of our history.

1. "Your penis is what makes you special and without it you can never find a man interested in you" is the biggest lie and chaser propaganda. I was told that if a man wanted a woman with a vagina, they would go for a cis woman. Because that, I could never find a boyfriend after my bottom surgery, so I was told. That couldn't be far from the truth in my experience. I have met many men after my surgery. Some didn't know and some did know about my transness. For most of them, that didn't matter and did not stop them from being attracted to me and pursuing me. If a man or another trans woman even suggests you should keep your penis for that reason, walk away from them. They won't make a good boyfriend or friend.

2. I actually enjoyed sex and embraced being sex positive. Before my surgery, I didn't really enjoy sex. Part of it was because I hated anal which reminded me so much of my prior life identifying as a gay man. Part of it was because getting oral was so dysphoric. I stopped having sex for a long time before my surgery. Now I have fully embraced my new body and stopped trying to hide what's between my legs. I am finally enjoying sex again because it feels good. Getting oral stopped being dysphoric - it's now one of the most validating things.

3. No two coochies are the same and you don't need porn level coochies. I see a lot of girls going to different surgeons for some minor revisions to try to make their coochie "perfect". That is absolutely unnecessary for normal dating life. You do need your surgeon to do good enough work so it's in the range of what a coochie should look like. More importantly, it needs to be functional and it needs to smell clean and similar to a cis woman if you ever want your man to go down on you. I consulted with many surgeons before my surgery. I was advised against colon vaginoplasty because it would always carry certain "backdoor smell". I am not sure if that's 100% true but I didn't want to take that risk.

4. Straight men will do a lot for coochie. This really surprised me. I had no idea what's between my legs now sadly has so much power over straight men. Straight men simply can't control it, maybe because it's in their DNA. They will take you out, buy you things, drive hours, message you nonstop for that reason. Now I finally understand how women, if they choose to, can use their body as a leverage to get what they want from men. That's something I never experienced pre-op. Sure chasers will "chase" you a little bit, but they never put in real effort, because they can easily find another preop person to replace you.

5. Passing is incredibly important for dating. I am not suggesting everyone should get bottom surgery as the first milestone in their transition. A big part of why I am able to enjoy dating and being intimate with straight men is because I have done my work to pass and be stealth in most situations. If I didn't pass, what I have between my legs wouldn't matter. Straight men wouldn't be attracted to me, let alone be intimate with me. Get bottom surgery only if that's something you want for yourself. Get bottom surgery only when you have done your work to get yourself ready for womanhood in all aspects of your life.

Please, before anyone reacts, I only did it because he didn't tell me but I figured out during my time with him. An awful experience. This is what happened. Please be forewarned about some intimate details.

I met him on Taimi. Before anyone reacts, yes there are truly straight guys on Taimi. I have met plenty of them who wanted to make sure I was on birth control and would sometimes say transphobic things while being around me. For context, I am post everything and stay stealth in most situations.

Back to this chaser guy! As our chats steered toward hooking up, we decided to exchange more private pictures. The first thing he asked me was to send him a picture of my ass bending over. THAT should have been my clue, but I made a terrible judgment call to continue! I asked if that's because he was into anal because I wasn't interested in that at all. He kinda backtracked and said he just really really liked booty, he was not into anal but into coochie, he just liked that position, he experimented with trans women a long time ago but he only dates women. At that point, we had not specifically talked about my gender. He knew I had a coochie but I assumed that he knew I was postop. You know, it's Taimi.

After we met, he took me to his bedroom. A few things were a bit odd and different from other straight men I have been with:

1. He never touched my boobs. The other straight men I have been with always played with my boobs and nipples. This guy acted as if they didn't exist.
2. After he finished going down on me (not for very long), I noticed he was soft. Every other man who has gone down on me never lost their erection.
3. While he was trying to enter me missionary, he went soft again. No straight man I have ever been with since my surgery has ever had that problem. He insisted it's because he really only liked doggy and always felt nervous doing missionary.

I wanted to leave but I didn't want to hurt his feeling so I told him that let's just lie down for a bit. After resting a little, I was starting to get up to leave. He then insisted and basically begged if he could go down on me again before I left. I said no a few times but eventually gave in because of his persistence. Unfortunately, that eventually led to intercourse after some back and forth to get him to maintain his erection. That was such a bizarre experience! Since my surgery, I had never run into a man who had this much trouble staying hard.

After I got him off, he seemed genuinely happy but I could not wait to get out of there. As I was getting dressed, he was like a chatterbox. He told me that his ex gfs were all big girls he wasn't really attracted to and how nice it was to be with someone normal size. WTF?? He also said he had never dated a trans woman before and had only hooked up with them because he "could not get over the dick thing". I was like wtf is happening??? AND he said he used to have a sex addiction and cheated on his ex with a hooker. My head was spinning and I felt like I was getting sick. Now you are telling me all this after we just had sex???

He said he had a good time and would message me sometime. I said yeah sure but in my head I was like please don't. The transphobia, the body shaming, the cheating, the sex addiction? I don't want anything to do with this.

The next day, I got this bizarre message from him. He exact words were: are you really a dude? He went on to say that most people on Taimi are trans, he noticed that my coochie felt different, he wanted to know to decide if he could date me. Seriously???!!! I had no intention of dating him and I made that clear before I even met him. If my coochie was really different, why didn't I hear any complaints during and after??? I have been with many straight men who had never been with a trans woman before. Some knew and some didn't. The only difference I heard was about lubrication, not about its shape, size, angle. It's clear that this guy was reading from some internal forum to make those claims.

I think this guy is deeply closeted chaser. He had so much trouble performing because he was not really into coochie and was used doing anal in doggy. He probably suspected or picked up on signs or was hoping that I was trans even before we met, because he has had a lot of experience with trans women before. If so, he should know better that the right way to ask is "are you trans?" not "are you a man". He was being purposefully insulting because he was deeply conflicted or upset he didn't get dick and anal.

If I were really a man, what would that make him???

As I started meeting more men as a post-op woman, I found myself sometimes overwhelmed by men's interest. It's quite a change when I think back on my journey, for good or bad. Part of the dilemma is that I just don't have the time and energy to respond to everyone. The other part is that I just don't know how, without hurting their feelings. I have met and dated decent guys but so far none has made me want to commit long term. The fact that they are decent just makes it more difficult to tell them "Sorry I am just not feeling it". Instead, I have chosen to ghost them. I just disappeared after a couple of dates. I feel terrible afterwards because that's not something I want done to me. However, I don't think I could have said anything that would have made them feel better. I also know that if I were to give a reason, they would try to convince me otherwise. So, perhaps ghosting is the safest and least confrontational approach. How do you girls handle this?

Just had a first date with someone from Tinder. The date went well so we went back to his place. One thing led to another we ended up having sex. During sex he said "I love you baby". I was shocked at what he said and didn't say anything back. Then he asked me to say it back to him. I reluctantly said back because I am the type of gal who doesn't say the love word so easily. Then he kept saying "You are mine. Tell me you are mine". Again I said reluctantly it to please him.

When I was leaving, he said those words again. I told him there was a big difference between like and love. He then said "be mine. Don't be with anyone else". I hugged him and laughed "This is a big ask. We will see!"

He seemed like a nice guy. I am just not sure why he said those things so soon. Since he said it again after sex, I don't think it was just for role play. Is it cultural since he is an middle-eastern man? Or is this just a huge red flag? I also wondered if that's what men expect women to be (theirs?). I didn't immediately feel thrilled at the idea of being his. Does that say anything about my own femininity?