u/WholeRing9819

The latest installment of Blood Meridian in Sandals. Please feel free to let me know what is working, what isn't, and especially if the stakes (during the dialogue bits) are unclear.

Also, if anyone knows snow: is a drift of snow, like, a cloud of snow, or a bank of snow?

this is an edit of something previously submitted. This draft may be worse. I submitted it to the fantasy writers' subreddit and got more pushback than I was expecting. Would love to know how this reads to the folks here.

I am hoping for some feedback on the first chapter of a novel I am working on. My hope is that you will feel transported to an ancient Rome that seems alive or at least different from how it is normally depicted. I anticipate some pushback on my style which is pretty idiosyncratic and I think it may strike some of you as purple prose. Please let me know how you feel about it.

I think I've made some odd choices with this piece and I'm not sure if they're working. For one thing, the dialogue is written in dialect. Well, sort of. I've attempted where possible to retain the syntax/approximate the "feel" of vulgar Latin as far as I understand how it might have sounded, going so far as developing a sort of case system for the word, "you," and basically doing a bunch of weird linguistic stuff to hopefully make the world feel more real. My fear is that the prose is goofy or the dialogue is inaccessible. Please advise.

Sorry for repost. The original pdf quality was unreadable.

Hi all,

This is the opening chapter to a dark fantasy novel I've been working on. It is set in the ancient world. I did a fair amount of research and have tried to get the details right. The subject matter is a little gritty, as is the dialogue, so I've tagged it NSFW. I'd really appreciate any thoughts you may have about:

• Pacing
• Style
• Characters
• Voice
• Coherence

My questions: Are the dialogue sections too sparse? Are the descriptive passages overwritten? Does it all feel too contrived or corny? If I lose your attention, where and why?

I look forward to hearing from you all.

Here is the story: STORY

past crits:
1 [1389], 2 [1706], 3 [1017], 4 [2122]