u/Wide-Minute1827

Dear women in this community, how do you deal with potentially never finding a life partner?

I am 30F and have never been in a committed long term relationship. I have dated a LOT however. Longest I have dated a guy was about 6 months. I have been on countless of dates over the past 10 years and have been on and off the apps. I used to have a dating pattern of falling for avoidant /wrong men whereas I have an anxious attachment style. I have done the work over the past few years with therapy, self help books etc. I am very good on my own and enjoy doing things by myself. I have my own apartment, financially independent and live by myself in a metropolitan area.

Some time ago I deleted all the dating apps because I notice I use the apps as a control mechanism. They give me a feeling of having control of my dating life/potentially meeting a partner but in reality it gives me anxiety and I end up feeling hopeless and disappointed. I am since trying to decenter dating and men by finding more friendships and activities in my life (book clubs, run clubs, pottery) which I really like.

Basically: I have a life I really enjoy and I am grateful for. However the idea of never finding a partner and not having kids makes me really sad (I have a child wish). I can't help but sometimes wonder when I am out and think 'will this be a night where I meet someone (a guy)?' but I just want to have a nice time and not be preoccupied with these thoughts. I catch myself sometimes feeling envious of friends that have a nice relationship. However I recognise that being in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean your life is better than being single and that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

I know 30 is still considered young and I am not saying my life is over/I 100% know I will never find a partner. However I find it hard sometimes to stay positive and accept the uncertainties, also considering I have never been in a long term relationship before. How do you deal with the natural feelings we have as humans to want a relationship while at the same time wanting to accept it's ok to be alone/single?