u/Wide_Specific_5482

M40 living with partner F40 and our 4 year old child

Im working in a tech sales job which I have no passion for in terms of the tech, but like the people aspect/socializing and relationships side of.

I work from home mostly and my work requires me to travel to events and spend time with people in the evening and there is a very boozy culture involved which is fun from time to time but takes its toll on health especially when working abroad and having to slot back into family life.

My partner hasn't worked for over 2 years and although she does do some things for our child she spends most of the day pursuing her interests, we are struggling for money and in debt but she has just applied to do a paid phd for the next 3 years. (This after self funding 2 other courses she was interested in prior, neither of which have resulted in stable career options) It would bring in some income but not enough to make us comfortable and she has said she has no intention to go back to the well paid type of job she had when we met as she said it was too stressful for her

When we met I was on a much lower salary but have committed to getting my salary up to match hers and now I am the only one bringing in a proper income

When I finish the working day from home im straight into the kitchen to prepare our meal that evening and all the diy stuff and odd jobs falls to my feet. She handles other roles and responsibilities with our child but does little to no cleaning and has a general incompetence when it comes to domestic issues around the house

She also throws caution to the wind with regars to spending money its very easy come easy go

I feel like I am being taken advantage of in terms of I have my own aspirations or passions like music and writing and whilst I get to indulge one of these with some nights out they are like sidelined by my responsibilities to keep my job, keep an income going and keep a roof over our head for the family and our child

I feel like I am stressed as I always worry about work doing a good enough job to make sure I don't get fired amd worried about the debt we have.

With the drinking and socializing, I used to drink a lot at home but have restricted this almost exclusively to work amd tried to get myself fit and healthy but the frequent nature of events amd client meetings has given me a stop start lifestyle where I find it hard to build on that momentum and keep things regular. Im a person who cant go for a drink and have a soft drink on a night out nor just stop at one or 2 drinks, I go to the max so I know alcohol is bad for me and im trying to stay away from it as much as I can

I feel like I am supporting a life for my child which I wholeheartedly will do without regret and want to do for my child's sake but I also feel like im supporting my partners chosen lifestyle at the expense of my own

There's little effort on her side to help me out by keeping the house tidy, sorting out clutter or cleaning, she never makes an effort to do anything sexy, we have sex relatively frequently and I know its hard when you have kids but its normally quite routine, she even didnt bother to water the plants while I ago away so they all died, I know all these things might seem trivial but its hard to explain all

Meanwhile I will work 9am to 2am traveling back and forth sometimes and get no respite - no nice dinner made for me on return etx.

I guess I just feel like today feeling sorry for myself as tomorrow im up again at another event at 5am, writing this as I cook dinner straight after work whilst she sits on her phone watching a film with our daughter.

Id like to change my job byt feel like its a dangerous time to upset any security or income. And the things that inspire me like music nd writing are near impossible to make an income from

Im fed up of not being good enough i want to be more and want to feel like ive achieved success

I keep thinking of this phrase and old university tutor used to say to us frequently - i used to find it funny at the time when I was young but lately its making more and more sense as I get older

I imagine its something someone important said before him and has already been well documented but I'm not that well read enough to be able to attribute it.

Anyway - I've been getting into astronomy and learning about the universe, how insignificant we are and also how important. How rare we are as a planet amongst what we have learned of space and yet how many others may exist like us that we don't know about and how we are a small blip in time really in history so far

Im trying to put all these things into perspective and understand more about myself. How things in our every day life ground us or insidiously tie us into routines of ways of thinking that we just accept and how we can also be more if we believe and put into action the steps to the things we want or want to be

Its a lot of theoretical nonsense perhaps but at the same time theres something alluring about it all and liberating

If you look at so called successful people in the world, they appear to have hacked life - some of the wealthiest people, actors, musicians etc. And have carved a lifestyle quite different from the rest of the population, its a simplistic view and for sure there are caveats and challenges we will ignore or simply not appreciate but for the most part unless they have been thr product of nepotism or born into wealth they have carved a lifestyle for themselves going against the grain of society. The same could be said for someone I suppose who chooses to live off grid in a van with no possessions etc.

So many times I think about an idealized version of myself I want to be, one that is in good shape, leads a healthy lifestyle without alcohol or bad food, productive creative and talented, a good father and partner, successful - like most others probably think or want to be and yet I waste 4 hours a day on my phone