Numb
I'm struggling more than I ever have in my life, and I honestly don't know how to get through this.
My marriage has ended. It wasn't out of nowhere—I was incredibly unhappy and made bad choices that lead to it, and I take full responsibility for that. I want her to be happy in life... But that doesn't change how devastating this has been, and how much I wish I could turn back the clock.
Over the last few days, she has blocked forms of communication, and then when the communication does start again it is a barrage of spiteful messages. I have two young kids (5 and 3), and not being able to see them every morning or speak to their mum in a civil fashion has been one of the hardest parts of all of this.
She's moved my belongings out of the house we've shared for seven years, still asking for money for the house, closing accounts, and everything that represented our life together seems to be disappearing overnight. It feels like I'm watching my entire life being dismantled while I'm powerless to stop it.
The grief and guilt became so overwhelming that I reached the point where I attempted to end my life last month. I can't go back to work, I'm still struggling with suicidal thoughts. I'm seeing a psychologist, and right now I'm taking things one day at a time but fuck man ..
I'm usually quite a strong person, mentally. But I'm barely sleeping. I can't think straight. One minute I want to train or keep myself busy, and the next I'm sitting in my car crying. I drove four hours away yesterday with the intention of ending it somewhere I wouldn't be found, but a good friend intervened. I swing between guilt, regret, extreme anger, loneliness and complete hopelessness.
The hardest part is accepting that the future I thought I had is gone. I don't know how to stop thinking about what I've lost or how to imagine a life that doesn't include my wife and kids under the same roof.
I'm not writing this because I want sympathy, and I don't want to hear the "you deserve this" bullshit. I know that and I'm struggling with it, hard. I'm writing it because I want people to understand how completely this has broken me. Maybe someone on here will recognize who I am and reach out, but I am so numb.