Newly diagnosed and struggling to navigate
Hey all, I was just diagnosed with ADHD just two months ago and got my Autism diagnosis about three ish weeks ago now. It’s been rough to say the least. the day of leading up to my appointment for the ADHD diagnosis I started to get the worst anxiety but brushed it off thinking its just nerves and would go away once the appointment was over. it didn’t. I was on the verge of a panic attack almost every day and I constantly felt short of breath and air hungry. My wife or kids couldn’t even lay on me in any way or I would absolutely panic. I started eating less because my stomach was constantly upset. it took a great toll on my wife and our relationship (my executive dysfunction has been a problem for us for years and was the initial reason I decided to seek a formal diagnosis to hopefully help as I love her to death and know I need to improve). Initially I was terrified of stimulant medication. my family history isn’t the best when it comes to addiction and I have always tried to avoid things I know are addictive (I know stimulant medication when used correctly doesn’t work like that but logic usually lost to fear) after a month of non-stimulant medication that did absolutely nothing and a month of feeling paralyzed by anxiety I decided to take the leap for myself and my wife and try a stimulant. Day one was incredible, I got a ton of work done at work I was hardly distracted like I usually was it was like putting on glasses for the first time i could mostly see everything but then around 6ish in the evening it all started to creep back. the best way I can describe it is the “noise” or constant thought and distractibility was like a setting on my brain slowly second by second was getting turned back up to max settings. it was very overwhelming and I felt bad because I kept running away to the bathroom just to be alone (told everyone I had stomach issues so it didn’t seem weird at the frequency) but I felt awful because why am I running from my family who loves and supports me?
day 2 and effects are noticeably worse. no side effects but it’s definitely not working like it did previously. like a tiny bit of haze is gone but feels like it isn’t helping much. same issue around evening time but this time I force myself to stay out with the family but I focus on dishes and cleaning to try and make the bad feelings relax if I can just fixate on something which I found I wasn’t doing but in fact cleaning very slowly and was stuck in my head talking myself down the majority of the time only snapping out of it when asked a question by the kids or my wife but then falling back into my head shortly after. I was very quiet and didn’t talk much but used the excuse it was a busy day so I’m just a little fried.
day 3 until current (day 10) it’s barely there in positive effects. like taking Motrin for a broken femur. And the brain settings being turned up at the end of the day seems to be mostly gone but I believe that’s because they were never turned down. I’m sleeping like absolute garbage. some nights I get 6ish hours others maybe 2.
I feel like I’m trying really hard but getting nowhere. like I may have waited too long and my wife is at her wits end with me because I’m supposed to be getting better and making things easier and if anything I have only made them more difficult. I can see and feel her frustration with me and it only seems to be growing. She’s told me herself she’s tired of the “I’m sorry” and the “im trying” and I get it I see it too it’s like despite my efforts theres a little evil me that sabotages everything. idk what exactly im looking for at this point but i know i need to find it or eventually she will leave, not to be mean but because at the end of the day i keep failing her. maybe that’s too much information and I’m rambling and I can’t actually expect anyone to actually read all this, I just feel lost and scared and don’t know what to do anymore.
TLDR: feels like I’m spinning my wheels trying to be/get better for my wife and family but keep fucking it up