Struggling with past love in current marriage
so long story short my ex that I last dated when I was 17 thought it was fine to tell me that he regrets letting me go. we broke up because of racial differences and me growing up in a strict first generation immigrant household. he did try to get back with me multiple times when we were younger but that always worried me because of parents, and all the other things I was going through in my young adult years.
fast forward twenty years. ive been with my husband for 12 years, 7 of them married. he was not a believer when we met and I was going to walk away but he said he will never stand in the way of my faith. eventually he found God and we got baptized together the year we got married.
our marriage started off with a lot of losses. his grandparents then our first baby, then more infertility and more losses and then his mom, even before we hit the first 5 years. so there’s a lot we’ve been through and perhaps didn’t have a chance to develop a strong emotional connection as we were just surviving.
my ex has been in my life, but dormant since I was 15. we dated at 15 and then 17, but didn't go to the same school and didn’t have the same circle of friends. so a lot of stacked against us. plus we both had our own family issues to resolve and neither of us I guess thought we needed to fight for it then. so now 20 years later we met, he tells me that I’m the person he should’ve chosen but he didn’t have the clarity and the maturity he has now. like I said he tried to ask me out three times but I said no because again I was afraid of my parents and wasn‘t ready for forever.
right around the time I met my husband my ex wasn’t in my life. he needed to take some time for himself. so when he did come back I was deeply in love with my husband and left it all behind.
now, I’m so confused as to why his admission/confession has rattled me to the point of I want to leave my marriage. not to chase my ex, just want to leave my marriage to be on my own
my husband is not a bad person but we haven’t been on the same page in almost a decade. again a lot has happened in our marriage that drifted us apart and separation was on the table very seriously about 3 years ago. so it’s not like we are or were perfect.
i guess the question is do I stay in this marriage eternally because it’s what Christ called me to do even if he’d be probably much happier with someone who’s a better match for him?
I used to think God created one person for everyone and I was so sure it was my husband until my ex showed up and showed me maybe that’s not true. my ex also showing up shows all the ways I’m unsatisfied in my marriage and I don’t know what to do.
again, I would not leave my marriage for an ex. I want to end the marriage because I think there‘s too much of misalignment and mismatch for us to continue. if I leave I would be alone tbh because it’s what I prefer
ETA: we do not go to bed at the same time. We don’t share meals together. My parents never modelled a Christ centred marriage so A lot of this is hard for me to do. We’ve done counselling through the church twice and once through a psychologist who wasn’t that great. Our pastor has advised us to give selflessly and serve one another. I rather be alone than to do all of this