I do not know if I'm a horrible person or not.
I'm 16F. So my mom says I've been a rude, rude child since five years old and my behavior has indeed gotten progressively worse. There are a few major instances that marked my behavior. One time I called my dad stupid (for what, I don't know - I was nine? Ten?) and got angry and fled to my house. He followed me, i tried to get away, but somehow i ended up under the table with him repeatedly kicking my butt. With his foot, not figurative, actually kicking me. There was a period of time where I was forced to stay in my room, not come down stairs for anything. Weird punishment, but I guess there was nothing else possible. It never got better. I am vehemently against corporeal punishment - if you can't a dog, why hit a child? My parents think this is just "white" people thinking, I'm a "white" girl, blah blah blah. Honestly I hate being compared to another race because of an idea. Call me anything you like, don't call me a white girl. What does that even mean??
Anyways, so me and my dad got into what my mom called was a physical tussle, meaning we BOTH tried to fight each other, though I don't see it that way. I never tried to hit my dad, I only wanted to stand up to him. Verbally. I can admit he spoils me to some degree and I feel bad....Another argument. He grabs my wrist. I shout at him to let go. He tries to put his hands on me, mom gets him off, I end up crying and saying sorry to him...for...? I just wanted my electronics back, really.
I love my electronics.
Mom says i've ruined many holidays and birthdays. I don't doubt it for a second. I know how rude I can be, although I'm not the attention seeker like I was when I was a little kid. now I just like being left alone, yeah I'll ask for things, but rarely. Just let me be. I remember I must've been so bad one time, when I was getting paper to write happy birthday for my dad, he yelled at me to go upstairs. No one comforted me. I must've been real bad. And I know I was - I'm not brainwashed by my parents, I think I contradict them a lot, but I KNOW how evil I can be sometimes. To my family. To other people, i don't know, because I'm barely social!
Two years later, another argument, mom was already stressed, i'd disrespected her previously, she got in my face, and I called her the b word. she and dad got on me instantly. i ran away. did i apologize? I don't think I ever did, wow. I've moved on, I barely think about it, but sometimes she'll bring it up and I'll feel ashamed.
I think my problem is I treat my family like i'd treat a stranger who said something snarky to me. The MOMENT you cross me, I'm on you like that. I'll take it farther. Two days ago while in another argument w/ mom my little brother barged in, when I told him I was addressing MOM he proceeded to say, "Shut up, monkey!" and let's say I responded with dual insults that made him cry.
My father's told me in another argument that the moment I disrespect him I'm not his daughter anymore. Well, I could say the same thing for both my parents. In an argument I told him if you try to put your hands/whoop me i'll call the police. He said I'll strangle you, by the time you call you'll be dead. There's only so much you can make up and this is not one of them. Later he'll tell my brother the excuse that it was figurative speech, and mom excuses this by saying I get under people's skin.
I mean, I do...
Similar arguments transpired. One was on vacation. Mom said I ruin everything.
Ok it's now 2026 . This entire sophomore year (which I HATED school, ugh!) was in my room, I barely spoke to my family. We haven't gone on any outings or anything. I miss trips where we felt like an unstoppable team, which is funny--I ruined that feeling. But I don't believe it's all my fault. I have no idea how I'd act around people - if I'd ruin friendships too-Because we move a lot and I was too socially awkward. Junior year HAS to be different. I'll be in college soon.
My parents still treat me decent - more than I treat them most days. My dad says hello, honey, how are you, but I barely look at him. I give him monosyllabic responses. When my grandmother came over she actually had to ask me and my dad to hug each other. When I was younger I was rude to my grandparents too, and they were nice. For some reason I was oddly territorial, like some dog. I was eight, maybe? I don't know. I always lived very far from relatives all my life. States away from any cousin.
I walk around holding grudges, getting confused why, remembering why...They gave me amazing gifts for my birthday, but I simply don't want to let it go. I even dreaded my dad coming over for my birthday - he FLEW to see me. Like my mom says, many dads don't that and here I was dreading it.
Birthdays are the worst.
Everything is the worst at sixteen, my God.
I've grown if just a little bit. I'm more aware. Agonizingly aware. I'm aware I spent my life fighting my family over little things that never mattered. Every time we fought, it was over something petty. Now I'm almost in college. Things could've been much different.
I'm afraid I'll be like this to my friends too. What if I'm just pretending to be decent? My personality, the way I am I feel has always been too immature even for my age.
TDLR: I've had lots of fights with my family and I'm probably the instigator of 90% of them but i'm still confused about whether I'm a bad person, and how people view this...