How to shake this feeling Am I wrong?
Hi all! I don't have a community to ask, so here I am. Long post, so strap in. My partner (40 m) and I (38f) have been married for over a decade and have built a very strong and communicative relationship. We decided to try ENM about 4 years ago. Since then our life has gotten very busy with work and kids and we find solice in each other's company. We have started to go to conventions and he has really thrived! He is quite attractive and has women throw themselves at him. I love that they show him attention because he doesn't think he deserves it.
Over the past couple of years ENM has gone from a pipedream to bringing my partner having sex with a couple of women, solo, without me(which we discussed). He also has had a long distance intense romantic digital relationship. All interactions we discussed, negotiated, and spoke openly about.
Flash forward to about 4 months ago. He became good friends with a couple and started doing online roleplay(Dungeons and Dragons) with them, and did a lot of side RP with the wife. The wife(35f)-lets call her Liz- and my husband's character became romantically involved in the game, going on dates and even having sex in the RP scenes. All this happened when I was working as a bartender 2 nights a week. I noticed the connection and repeatedly asked about how close they seemed to be getting. He assured me they were only friends and that Liz was monogamous but bisexual with a past of poly, because he had explained our lifestyle to her. I had interactions with her as well and consider her a very attractive woman (I'm bi) and a casual friend. He and I agreed that we both thought she was attractive and lamented that she was monogamous.
Flash forward to a month ago when he and I went on a much needed trip to a nerd convention, we got there early to enjoy the city. We hadn't had much alone time due to work and parental duties. We were looking forward to chilling before the chaos began. He made lunch plans with her as soon as we arrived in town. Throughout the whole lunch, they flirted with each other with me right there, like I didn't exist. He and I check into our hotel room and i have a conversation with him saying that it's plain that there is a connection between them and that it seems like more than he let me believe. He finally confessed that they do have feelings for each other and had for a month, but she was monogamous and they were only friends. He then said "But I shouldn't be left alone in a room with her", to which I replied "Then try not to be alone with her". We left for dinner and drinks with a big group of friends. When we all got back to the hotel, we were ALL invited to a room party to celebrate a friend's birthday. When the elevator didn't work, we took the stairs to the party room. I turn around and Liz and my partner aren't there. An hour and a half later, he shows up to the party, after not responding to my texts for 30 minutes. Low and behold they slept together. I was crushed. Less than 9 hours into our vacation, he confessed deep feelings for another person and then acted on them when I asked him not to be alone with her. After he told me she was monogamous and I had nothing to worry about.... Before he and I even had a chance to be alone together longer than unpacking our luggage. I explained how hurt I was and he said he thought I would be ok with it. I explained how wrong he was. I want to be maintain friendship with her. I want to be ok with them having a relationship. That's what polyamory is all about. Caring about more than one person.
I said that I want us to all be friends and that they can maintain a long distance relationship, but not to flaunt it in my face. But now he has to interact with her while I am working nights to provide for our family. Since then, my jealousy and resentment has grown. I feel like I was lied to for months about their relationship, when asking point blank. I think she is obsessed with him and loves him. He claims they haven't said I love you, but my gut says that once again more is happening.
I am still jealous and hurt and I can't shake these feelings. Does anyone have insight on how to heal or what to do with this situation? I truly believe we are soulmates after 15 years together. I don't want to end my marriage or even stop ENM. He says he will end their deeper relationship, but she is struggling and has no friends, so he doesn't really want to end the relationship. And she has since the convention she opened her marriage and posts how finding that one person at the right time is so magical. Help, please! I'm struggling.