u/Witty_Door_9436

I am 34F and I have struggled with lust and porn for pretty much my entire life and it concerns me a lot. The first time I looked at porn was probably when I was 8-10 years old when I found a huge book in my parents' bedroom with explicit visuals which I assume they made use of. Forgot about that then got exposed in my late teens when I sought out a porn site and it's been pretty much downhill from there on particularly with sexting and I tend to relapse almost once or twice a year. I relapsed again this morning.

I am somehow still a virgin and haven't participated in any sexual activities in person with anyone but I sometimes wonder if I am just repressing myself because that is what I've learned in the church ie. sex being bad outside of marriage. The church tells us not to have sex or explore before marriage but somehow when you get married it's all just supposed to click that now it's good to have sex however you want and as many times as you want. My current struggle is that I've been bargaining with myself whether to just find someone and get it over and done with so that my curiosity can disappear once and for all but I also see so many risks.

The church (at large, not just Adventism) recommends not having sex while dating because it's wrong but also hints at the fact that if one goes down this route it's probable you'll have a sexless marriage because you've already experimented heavily outside the bounds of marriage so now the devil's aim will be to keep said spouses from being physically intimate. On the other hand, one can also argue that getting married first does not guarantee having a vibrant sex life, furthermore one could also end up with a spouse that has sexual proclivities you may not like or want to engage in either.

I'm not saying either of these views are right/wrong (feel free to add your insights) but this is the train of thought going through my mind and I'm worried that I may one day do something I will later regret. I believe sex within marriage is beautiful but I sometimes struggle with thinking it's disgusting because of what I've exposed myself to. I also think God must think I'm a lost cause because I keep returning to my own vomit time and time again. It's gotten to a point where I don't know how to talk to God about it and it feels as though I'm losing the ability to feel as remorseful as I should about it but I also don't understand why I have these desires.

I do know a lot of it stems from feeling lonely, not actively dating to find a spouse (I know I am beautiful and would probably be a good wife one day but I don't think I deserve someone) and it also stems from not feeling loved (my family isn't very affectionate and I barely heard "I love you" growing up, my mom was a tad better at that than my dad but she passed when I was 15). Sorry I know my post is all over the place but I just wanted to give a clear picture of what's happening in my mind and the struggle I have. I don't know what to do but I know I need help. I have never spoken about this with anyone.

PS: to give context also; my mom was physically active before she met my dad (my brother was the result of that) and I know my dad also struggled sexually after my mom died (prostitutes were brought into the home, my dad tried to be discreet but I knew about it because I would hear heels walking past my room at night). I don't know if this also plays a role in how I came to be where I am.

So I'll start by saying that I'm 34, I started the year moving out of my own apartment and moving back home with my dad. I lived on my own for almost 3 years, before that I lived with my sister for 5 years after moving away from home so I think I gained a lot of independence and I enjoyed being on my own. I moved back home for financial reasons because I was struggling and felt perhaps moving back might help me regroup and figure out what my next moves should be. Just for context, I work as an online English teacher, but it's not something I thoroughly enjoy at all, I have a degree in communication science and have struggled to get a foot in the door within my field for the past 8 years.

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6 months in and I feel like I have regressed a lot more than I have made progress. I wonder if the way I feel now is also because I'm currently on my period and over the last few months I've noticed I get severely depressed during my period to the point of feeling hopeless and wanting to end it all. I've never tried anything though and I did consult my doctor who seemed to brush it off as PMS but I think I need a second opinion because it doesn't make sense that for a week or two of the month I'm not functioning normally from a mental/emotional perspective. The reason I say I feel like I've regressed is because though I am grateful to my dad for helping me out, he is very old-fashioned in his thinking in terms of male and female roles in the home which I suppose is common in most black African homes. I spend more time than I would like cooking for my dad and myself, I usually cook enough to last 2 days so I have a break but it somehow it still feels like I'm constantly in the kitchen and as a result I tend to feel more exhausted.

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To add on top of that, I've been finding it hard to show up to teach because I just lack the motivation to show up for something I don't like doing and I realise that is stupid because one needs to have income to stay afloat. It just feels very overwhelming. I am currently looking for remote roles within my field, I did sit down 2 months ago to create a marketing portfolio that I can use for applying to jobs but I even question if I even want to be in marketing at all. If I'm honest I feel like I don't know what to do with my life, I feel lost more often than not...I have an idea of what I want my life to look like but getting there just feels impossible and I don't know if I believe in myself enough to get to where I want to be. Often I feel very demotivated and as if this is what my life will always look like, I know that's not true but that's what my current experience is making me feel. I don't really know what I'm looking for with this post...maybe some tips/advice? Maybe support to know that I'm not the only one who feels like they don't know what they are doing. I don't know, I just feel like moving home was the worst decision I have ever made.